immaturity

I can admit that I am not the most mature person in the world. I'm not the most immature BUT I have my moments.
First of all, I am emotional. That might go hand-in-hand with the fact that I am a girl OR that I'm a Gemini OR that I was coddled too much as a child -- who knows? I just am emotional sometimes. I don't throw fits or cry in front of people but when I get 'emotional', I just want to lay, not eat, and listen to sad music. It's helps that 856 out of 903 of the songs on my iTunes are perfect for my 'emotional' moments.
I can't even, in good faith, call them emotional "outbursts" because they are not explosive. I can't call them 'breakdowns' because I don't sink into a bottomless hole of nothingness, like I imagine happens in a "breakdown". I've had outbursts and breakdowns but what I experience on a fairly regular basis now is emotional moments.
In these moments, I am very vulnerable. It's like a gate opens and I just let it all out. I don't like to get this way though.

I also have my CRAZY moments. My friend, Bee, and I jokingly say we're going to "unleash the crazy" -- we joke about it, although we both know there have been real moments when we're concerned for our own sanity. I LOVE that she knows exactly what I'm talking about though because we've been through the same things kind of. I look to her for assurances that it WILL be okay because she's already done it.

Today Constance used me as an example of strength, an example of someone who is told they can't do it -- someone who has dreams and WILL accomplish them. It made me happy and I'm not worried at all that she's wrong because I know I will accomplish them. I will because I have no other choice. What else is there?

The broken parts of my heart won't always be this way. My heart is broken though and I haven't felt this way in a long time. I am trying to look at it positively. My heart feels this way, it could feel worse but at least I know this will only make the stronger. And stronger and stronger. I hope.

James Vincent McMorrow is a genius -- a poet.... :



If this is redemption, why do I bother at all
There's nothing to mention, and nothing has changed
Still I'd rather be working at something, than praying for the rain
So I wander on, till someone else is saved

I moved to the coast, under a mountain
Swam in the ocean, slept on my own
At dawn I would watch the sun cut ribbons through the bay
I'd remember all the things my mother wrote

That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust

Two thousand years, I've been in that water
Two thousand years, sunk like a stone
Desperately reaching for nets
That the fishermen have thrown
Trying to find, a little bit of hope

Me, I was holding all of my secrets, soft and hid
Pages were folded, then there was nothing at all
So if in the future I might need myself a savior
I'll remember what was written on that wall

That we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you, I'd have a little trust

Am I an honest man and true
Have I been good to you at all
Oh I'm so tired of playing these games
We'd just be running down
The same old lines, the same old stories of
Breathless trains and, worn down glories
Houses burning, worlds that turn on their own

So we don't eat until your father's at the table
We don't drink until the devil's turned to dust
Never once has any man I've met been able to love
So if I were you my friend, I'd learn to have just a little bit of trust

I added the lyrics because I just love the whole song and I think people should read them.
THIS and 'A Man/Me/Then Jim' by Rilo Kiley are my theme songs lately.