Jackie Kennedy/Marilyn Monroe

I love first kisses. I love that moment when you look at the other person and you just KNOW it's going to happen. Jenkins and I were talking about it the other day and I just can't see a new First Kiss happening for me anytime soon.
As per my 4-year plan, I KNOW that romance isn't playing any part in my life right now. I'm NOT looking for anyone -- which is the reason I can't see it happening. I'm not available. I'm not available to you or to any of your friends. I'm just not.

The recent conversations with my friends have made me think about men -- or, in my case, the sudden decline of men in my life. What is it about men that is causing me to miss their presence? I like being around men, I like smelling them (provided they smell good), I like TALKING to them. I love it when they do things with their hands and have deep voices.

I also like to be feminine and I like to flirt. No, correction -- I LOVE to flirt. I flirt like a f*ckin' CHAMP. For some reason, instead of being scared or nervous (like how I WANT to be), something takes over me -- I'm pretty sure it's the spirit of Marilyn Monroe. I become funnier than usual and witty. My lips gets softer, my hair shines brighter and my smile?? The way my MOUTH reacts to an attractive man embarrasses me.
But not in the moment. It's only later, when I replay it over in my head do I get embarrassed. Then I tell myself that I'm not going to do it again -- that it's embarrassing and just wrong. So wrong.
Is that how Jackie Kennedy would act?!

And does that stop me next time? No, it sure doesn't.

Constance compared me to Jackie Kennedy one day and it made me so happy. Jackie Kennedy Onassis is the epitome of class. She stood by her husband, even though he had many affairs -- Jackie O. would not have divorced her husband like I am. She didn't put him on blast or cause drama. AND she's still looked up to as a fashion icon. To be compared to Jackie Kennedy is one of the best compliments that I've ever received.
When I flirt the way I do, it's NOT very Jackie Kennedy of me AT ALL.
My mom said, "you are going to come through [this divorce] with grace and dignity and with pride in yourself." THAT is Jackie Kennedy. The way I act around attractive men is pure Marilyn Monroe.

I really enjoy these two different sides of myself though. I'm unpredictable, even to myself at times. I can be Jackie Kennedy all day and then have these brief flashes where I'm someone else -- someone sexy in an obvious way: Marilyn.