a fox or a hound...?

Lisa Turtle and I went on a hike today. It was actually pretty tame. I remember the first time I walked that trail with Blake* (the name I'm giving my exhusband -- so I can stop calling him, 'exhusband') and our children.
I was so out of shape, I had to stop a lot of times and catch my breath. It felt like Mount Everest and I was for sure that I couldn't conquer it. I even doubted myself today, even though we do inclines just about every day.

What happened this time?! Nothing but awesomeness.
I think we stopped once so Lisa Turtle could respond to a text but other than that, we kept on keepin' on and it was a breeze. Plus, it was actually breezy outside. It was a beautiful day today.

I'm pretty sure we saw a baby fox -- and I was pretty sure that wherever a baby fox was, a momma fox was surely close behind. 

Thankfully, Momma Fox was not a helicopter mom and we didn't run into danger.
Well, if you don't count the dangerous 'bunny' I almost mistook for a baby fox, we made it off that trail fairly unscathed.

Seeing that baby fox felt like the universe was asking me a question though:
Do you want to be a FOX or a hound?

Not that I'm a hound now but that was the general idea.
Perhaps the universe was asking, do you want to be a bad-ass fox or a fluffy, sweet bunny that the fox devours? The universe was giving me a lot to ponder over.

For the past two weeks, I had lost my motivation. I know Lisa Turtle also had a motivation problem, which sucked for both of us. Usually, one of us is super pumped up and supports the other to get through the exercise and it varied from day to day on which one of us was more excited.
Since we were both in a rut, we were not feeling very pumped or up to pumping each other... up.
I haven't actually been pumped in a while but fret not, that isn't the kind of pumped I'm talking about.

I don't actually think we've worked on our abs in a hot minute. I was kind of disappointed in myself because of it.

So today, after the hike, I was ready to face the universe head-on and give my decision to the universes imperative life question.

I decided I want to be a fox.
Lisa talks about how I have this natural charm, that I'm charming and I can't help it. I hope that's true.
I hope that means I'm pretty on the inside. I know I'm pretty on the outside - have you seen my eyes? Hello. Maybe I'm a bunny on the inside -- I need to be more fox-like on the inside because I'm tired of people running all over me.

Besides that, I also need to work on a few physical things (to be fox-like on the outside).

Like always, I got this. Sometimes I lose it but today, I've got it.
My motivation is back and it's overwhelming right now.
Right now, I'm so motivated, I feel like I could pick up the world and drop it on your f*cking head. Ahhh, Weezy F Baby and Eminem. :)
"My head is swoll, my confidence is up. This stage is my pedestal. I'm unstoppable -- the Incredible Hulk, you're trapped in my medicine ball. I can run circles around you so fast your f*ckin head will spin..."
It's my jam.
I'm also in the middle of writing this script about Jason Segel. The ideas I'm coming up with are hilarious and I'm really excited about it. I've got pages and pages of notes that I've taken while I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can't sleep, I just lay there and write my ideas down. I have one scene written but I think I'm going to write it out the rest in story form, but brief story form so I don't get burnt out writing the same things over and over again.
I'm pretty excited about it -- I just need to organize my thoughts.

Also, it was a victory today, when we finally confirmed 'Hot Teachers' name at the Science Fair.

I feel like everything is going to come together nicely, if I just be patient and let it.
I need to stop waiting for things to happen and MAKE them happen.
I've already started. I already KNOW this but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I lose it.
I found it and I'm motivated again. Thankfully. Happily.

she's 'kitty' but when she's bad, I call her 'bad kitty'...

I want to be Christina Aguilera (in this outfit) for Halloween.
Finding an outfit similar to this should NOT be hard at all.
Looking good in it? That's another matter.
NOT to mention that I'm not blonde.
Of course, the blonde wouldn't be very hard to do either.
Wigs! I know the perfect place in Denton, TX to get a wig -- just don't touch them or play with them because they aren't toys. They ARE nice to look at but trust me, they are NOT toys.

I think Christina Aguilera is apropos for me as a Halloween costume because her songs are on my gym playlist and they actually motivate me.

(I don't listen to 'Beautiful' while working out though. It's too slow)

I go back to LOOKING GOOD in an outfit like this. It's MarchAPRIL(apparently it's April) and I'm already down 32lbs from last year.
I've only recently decided to start working out hardcore. It was the middle of Febuary when I started and last time I weighed myself (almost two weeks ago), I was down 8lbs -- a little over a pound a week.
And well, I didn't work out in over a week, guys. There was just so much going on and I had a sunburn from HELL. When I say, from hell, I actually mean I was so close to hell, that my skin experienced a third-degree burn. ALSO! I forgot sunscreen. 

an actual photo of my sunburn.
Don't forget sunscreen, guys.

While I feel like the blistering of my skin was a good enough reason to skip in the gym, I made it to Thursday when I couldn't take it any longer. The sweating caused my skin to blister but I'm pretty sure it blistered with sweat?? Can that happen? It was gross so it PROBABLY did.

To look good in that Christina Aguilera 'Back to Basics' Tour outfit, I'd need to work on my core and my legs. My legs are shaping up rather nicely, thanks to the high incline. They still need work but I can see a difference. Just wait and get a load of my bomb legs when all is said and done.

To burn fat, I've decided that I'm going to try to burn 1,000 calories a day on the treadmill. That would be about an hour and 10-15 minutes on the treadmill for me. I can do an hour with no problem. I want to lower that time though because 75 minutes is a long time. Of course I'll do it but I want to make better time at it. I can't run though, no thanks to my bum knee.

For my core, I'm working on planks. NOT 'planking' -- but planks.
This:

This unassuming position that requires nothing except staying positioned like this as long as you can has a lot of benefits. According to livestrong.com, it "helps strengthen midsection, upper-body and lower-body muscles along the front of your body. Planks also strengthen inner core muscles that support your joints. The rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis that form your outer and inner abdominal muscles, respectively, are primary supporters during plank exercises. The abdominal obliques also stabilize the plank position isometrically. Upper-body stabilizers include the pectoral and serratus muscles. Lower-body stabilizers include the quadriceps, sartorius and tensor fasciae latae.
Plank exercises have aesthetic benefits that can enhance your appearance by improving posture. Planks activate core muscles, including the transverse abdominis and iliopsoas, which stabilize your spine and hips. Plank exercises help prevent or reverse postural deficiencies, including lordosis and posterior pelvic tilt. Lordosis, or swayback, results from abdominal weaknesses that overextend your back; it tends to make your buttocks stick out. Posterior pelvic tilt, or flat back, results from hip flexor weaknesses and flattens the normal curvature of your spine."

(Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/500440-what-does-the-plank-exercise-benefit/#ixzz1rz1P6NID)

My personal trainer and friend, Dallas, and my bestie/workout partner, Lisa Turtle make it look SO easy. Dallas planks for a minute straight and makes it look like a breeze. It's not a breeze but today, I did it for 30 seconds - took a 15 second break and did it for another 15 seconds.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it for a whole minute.

I can also flutter kick for almost a whole minute. It's not easy either.

Flutter kicks are my arch nemesis.

From livestrong.com, "flutter kicks are exceptionally efficient at improving lower abdominal strength. One reason is because the area of the lower abdominals that flutter kicks engage is not commonly used in daily activity. One five-minute session of flutter kicks can cause soreness in someone who has never done the exercise before. According to the American College of Sports Medicine, flutter kicks also help strengthen and tone the sartorius muscles, which are
responsible for flexion and lateral rotation of the hip.
Flutter kicks are done by moving the legs and feet in a quick up and down motion, side by side. The faster you flutter, the more calories you'll burn. When you combine the tension of holding your legs off the ground with the quick movement of fluttering, you can nearly double your caloric burn. Try doing flutter kicks lying on your back and then do them on your stomach. Doing them this way can help balance your front leg and back leg muscles."
(Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/479292-what-are-the-benefits-of-the-flutter-kick-technique/#ixzz1rz2Lkzw3)

I'm working my core. Crunches, situps, side bends.
I always think, "you can side bends or situps but please don't lose that butt..."
I can thank my (ex)husband for that.

I've got about 63 lbs to go until I'm where I want to be.
I have 5.5 months until Halloween.
I might need to make a different goal for Halloween, as the math would indicate that I would need to lose almost 3 lbs (2.8 lbs, exactly) a week to make my overall goal by that time.
I think I'm going to aim for 2 lbs a week -- which would make my Halloween goal -44 lbs.

This week, I'm going to cut out sweet tea (I'm going to UNSWEETEN my tea), limit eating out to once a month (IF that), and try to eliminate dairy.
I'm already off red meat pretty much. We eat turkey and chicken primarily. I've limited the processed foods and I've switched from enriched flour products to whole wheat products. Read labels, people.

Just eating healthier.
Also, park far away wherever you go. I always feel like a super fatty if I 'grocery store' people for a parking spot. I'll just park far away. What will it kill me to walk an extra 10 feet?

I know a lot of my other friends are trying to lose weight and just BE healthier.

I really think we got this, guys. I'm optimistic.
 

how to get in my pants 2

I know in the first 'how to get in my pants', I said 'don't crowd me'.
This is for the ones who made it past lesson one.

If you've made it past lesson ONE, we're moving on to:

Lesson Two

The Lost Art of the Chase

     I am not familiar with the rules of a one-night stand. I know how I like being treated in general by my potential sex partners but I'm not sure if the rules are different for a one-night stand. I don't understand one-night stand in general -- only because I legitimately cannot sleep with someone I don't know or that I'm not sure they care about me in some way. The farthest I've ever gotten was to their place. Once there, I just couldn't go through with it. I'm not a good choice for a one-night stand. I just don't understand them, nor do I want to participate in them.

     I've talked a lot about romance and fairy tales and what it all boils down to is being chased. Maybe that's why I don't like one-night stands -- there really is no 'chase'. Sleeping Beauty is clearly not easy to get to. The prince had to fight through an overgrown forest and a witch-dragon, I think -- and what did he do that for? I'd like to think the answer is 'for love' but I'm almost certain it's because Charming wanted to bang a princess. After all, he certainly earned it.

      Maybe it's cynical for me to believe that men don't really do anything for love and that Charming rescued his princess for sex but it's more realistic to me to believe that than that he did it for love. Why does anyone do anything? Sex. Period. I'm almost positive we can trace every war, every conflict, every problem anywhere back to sex. I'm just sayin'.

      I don't understand why some girls give it up more freely than other. 'It' obviously meaning 'sex'. It doesn't help me at all that other girls are way way way easier than I am. If anything, it makes me seem like a challenge.
     My sister is friends with some teenage (18+) guys. They come over here and they talk about all these girls and all the things their friends did in high school. Yes, I am going to assume about half of it is made up but even eliminating HALF of their crap, there is still A LOT of sex going on with these kids. I feel like a prude -- AND like a challenge.  
      I told one of them that I'm not that girl -- I'm not the girl you leave, I'm the girl you marry. I've been told that before, that I'm not the girl you just f*ck and flee. I wouldn't allow myself to be in that position anyway but it was certainly nice to hear from someone without me having to say it first. Ha.

     I guess my bottom line is -- I want to be chased and feel desired. I mean, if I'm attracted to you, I'm not going to play hard-to-get (after you get me) but I don't want to be the only one going out of my way. I can never find someone who makes me feel as good (not sexually, guys! Quit being filthy!) as I make the guys I'm attracted to feel. I always make the guys feel special, telling them how cute they are, how smart they are, going out of my way to be with them, etc.. I treat them fairly decent and I'm low-drama (if you ask anyone except my exhusband) and I'm funny as hell. Add that up and I feel like I'm always working on other people (I mean, men -- my friends actually listen to a lot of my bullshizz). That's fine. I don't say things I don't mean (as a rule - to ANYONE) so I'm genuine.
      The problem is it's hard to find a guy who makes me feel special. I build people up. I can build myself up (trust me, I have no problem finding the awesomeness within myself) but sometimes it's nice to hear how awesome I am from someone besides my friends. Obviously they think I'm awesome or they wouldn't be my friends. I want to feel special to someone else though, damn it.

     And since according to Constance, I run and hide and build walls, I would have to find someone who believes I'm worth the trouble. IF there are girls who are less complicated than I am, why wouldn't they get chosen? Who wants a challenge? What guy wants to slay a witch-dragon and cut down a forest? I know I'm worth it but I'm not going out of my way to convince someone who should just see it anyway. And anyway, not everyone 'gets' me. That = challenging.

Listen guys. Girls want to be chased sometimes.
CALL them. Have you called your girl today? Call HER!
TEXT them. When you think about them, send them a text.
Tell them they are pretty for no reason.
Kiss their hand or bring them a flower.
We like to be thought of randomly. And if you do think of us randomly, let us know.

I'm not saying you literally need to find a dragon to slay (ALTHOUGH I'm almost 100% certain it will get you laid). I'm just saying -- I want to be a little bit crowded. Well, if I've given you permission to crowd me, then I want to be crowded until I say quit. 

Dear David Duchovny,

     Sitting on my couch watching an X-Files marathon, munching on my 1oz bowl of Brach's Hawaiian Punch flavored jellybeans and cuddled up with the homemade river quilt my grandma made, I've come to the conclusion that you are a very sexy man and we should meet forthwith. I've known about your undeniable sexiness for a while -- and it could be my loneliness overshadowing any sense of good judgement I may have but for some reason, I am finding you very attractive tonight. So much so that I am skipping any episode that is Scully-based and which you do not appear. I'm sure they are excellent episodes and Gillian Anderson is so beautiful, it's ridiculous but let's face it, not really why I'm watchin' the show.

      I've also been watching Californication so I know I'm not just attracted to the character of "Fox Mulder" -- although his passion for his job is an attractive quality for a man to have -- a quality I hope my NEXT husband has. The character of "Hank" on Californication is OKAY but he's not Fox Mulder. Regardless, there is a lot of sex on that show and I think you're doing it on purpose -- to tease me. I'm 99% sure that's exactly what is going on -- you're teasing ME personally.

     Please don't mistake this public love declaration for anything more than what it is. I fully intend on continuing on to marry my betrothed, Jake Gyllenhaal on or around my 30th birthday in four years so please don't make a scene by begging me to be with you. BUT I'm pretty sure if I ever saw you, Marilyn would come out in full force and you wouldn't even know what to do with yourself, you'd be so smitten. On my Notarized Celebrity Sex List (yes, it's really notarized), you are on there so you can tell I really mean what I say. This document is legally binding so that any fornication between the two of us is acceptable (even though we're both married). In fact, I'm not sure that it's not mandatory at this point since I went out of my way (through THREE different lists before ending with the one with your name on it -- some quality men were bumped off this list to include you) to get it notarized. Feel special, as future husband, Jake Gyllenhaal is NOT on my notarized list.
     X-Files is calling my name so I must end this letter to you now. I hope to run into you soon, David Duchovny (although I'm sure if I actually did meet you, I would become someone other than Jackie OR Marilyn --It would be more Violet Anne Bickerstaff than anything).
Good luck with everything... you know what I mean.

Sincerely Yours (until Jake and I become engaged),

Shark Attack

unconditional love, pansexuality and restlessness

Constance and I were talking about her friend who thinks her husband needs to lose weight and always trash talks him and how we felt sorry for him. It made me think about love and how it should be UNconditional -- especially in that way. I really thought love was suppose to be about more than looks but apparently to some people it isn't.
I really feel like romantic love CAN (and should) be unconditional. I still love my (future ex) husband, even if I don't want to be with him. Is it fair to him if I can't give myself to him fully?
I found I would hide parts of myself from him. Pushing them down way far inside myself, I would hide these things from because I knew he didn't want to know or couldn't handle it. It's not his fault that I did this and when I think about it, it wasn't really fair to him. I didn't really give him a fair chance to know this girl that everyone else knows.

-SIGH- WHO KNOWS? The more I live life, the more I realize how complicated and gray it is.

Constance and I were talking about people we were attracted to (in a totally different conversation). It was on that day that she decided that it was her job to hand out other peoples sexualities, like some kind of Sexual Identity Fairy.
Constance declared my sexuality as Pansexual (which I accepted graciously).

Pansexual: "adjective; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity."

Pretty much it means that I am attracted to people based on their personalities, rather than looks.
I've found that to be mostly true. I can usually know within 10 minutes of talking to someone if I'm going to like them or not. You might not think that is an appropriate amount of time to judge whether or not someones personality fits your own but trust me... it really only takes ten minutes. That guideline works 90% of the time for me. Sure, there are people who I don't like at first and then realize how wildly wrong I was but that's the exception, not the rule.
I've been tired of just about everyones personality lately. I've been bored with almost everyone I talk to. I miss my friends and sisters and mom and I need new people in my life.
I like to think I'm this quiet, loner introvert  who doesn't make friends easily -- oh and SHY. I'm also shy. When I use the word "SHY" to describe me, though, FOR SOME REASON, my closest friends always inform me that I am not shy. But if that is true, why do I keep describing myself as such?! Why is it so hard to believe that I am shy? I imagine Jackie Kennedy was shy when she first met people. She was a real lady after all -- not just a real lady but also a First Lady. I'm guessing it's the Marilyn side of me that isn't shy.

I'm just restless. I cannot wait for school to start. I switched my classes again but this time I'm taking "Writing for Radio/Television/Film" -- I know, I'm even jealous of me right now. I have my whole next year planned out though and unless something catastrophic happens (knock on wood!), I fully intend on following through with them.

Song of the Week:

Jenkies!

I love Jenkins. I feel like him and I are very much the same. We both have moles by our mouths, we're both very dramatic and creative, we have the same sorts of issues. I just love him.

Our conversations today consisted of these little gems:

Jenkins, "It's my life goal to suck his dick."

Me, "Your LIFE goal?! How many 'life goals' do you have?"

Jenkins, said very matter-of-factly, "Seven."

Jackie Kennedy/Marilyn Monroe

I love first kisses. I love that moment when you look at the other person and you just KNOW it's going to happen. Jenkins and I were talking about it the other day and I just can't see a new First Kiss happening for me anytime soon.
As per my 4-year plan, I KNOW that romance isn't playing any part in my life right now. I'm NOT looking for anyone -- which is the reason I can't see it happening. I'm not available. I'm not available to you or to any of your friends. I'm just not.

The recent conversations with my friends have made me think about men -- or, in my case, the sudden decline of men in my life. What is it about men that is causing me to miss their presence? I like being around men, I like smelling them (provided they smell good), I like TALKING to them. I love it when they do things with their hands and have deep voices.

I also like to be feminine and I like to flirt. No, correction -- I LOVE to flirt. I flirt like a f*ckin' CHAMP. For some reason, instead of being scared or nervous (like how I WANT to be), something takes over me -- I'm pretty sure it's the spirit of Marilyn Monroe. I become funnier than usual and witty. My lips gets softer, my hair shines brighter and my smile?? The way my MOUTH reacts to an attractive man embarrasses me.
But not in the moment. It's only later, when I replay it over in my head do I get embarrassed. Then I tell myself that I'm not going to do it again -- that it's embarrassing and just wrong. So wrong.
Is that how Jackie Kennedy would act?!

And does that stop me next time? No, it sure doesn't.

Constance compared me to Jackie Kennedy one day and it made me so happy. Jackie Kennedy Onassis is the epitome of class. She stood by her husband, even though he had many affairs -- Jackie O. would not have divorced her husband like I am. She didn't put him on blast or cause drama. AND she's still looked up to as a fashion icon. To be compared to Jackie Kennedy is one of the best compliments that I've ever received.
When I flirt the way I do, it's NOT very Jackie Kennedy of me AT ALL.
My mom said, "you are going to come through [this divorce] with grace and dignity and with pride in yourself." THAT is Jackie Kennedy. The way I act around attractive men is pure Marilyn Monroe.

I really enjoy these two different sides of myself though. I'm unpredictable, even to myself at times. I can be Jackie Kennedy all day and then have these brief flashes where I'm someone else -- someone sexy in an obvious way: Marilyn.