just lean into it -- take the risk

My computer is broken. Like, seriously broken. It works in 'safe mode' -- which is ironic considering this post.

My friends and I went karaoke last night. I sang 'Does He Loves You', 'Time Warp', and "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse. I am not a terrific singer but I love to do it.
What I love the most about it is the confidence it gives me to sing in front of people, to not worry about what they think.

Jenkins and I were talking about how short life is and about regrets. He was telling me about the time he asked this guy a question but how long it took him to find the courage to ask the question -- and how it embarrassed him. But that he doesn't have any regrets. I was so proud of him.

It's not easy being ballsy. It's not easy to push yourself to do something. To walk into a situation that makes you uncomfortable and push yourself to go through with it really is easier said than done. I like to tell people - when they say something makes them uncomfortable - to just lean into it. I just lean into the uncomfortable feeling and try to accept it and push through it.

It's been really freeing since I really stopped giving a f*ck.

Now when I say I don't give a f*ck, I don't mean about other people. I still care for other people and humanity as a whole. However, I don't care what people think about me. I should just be proud of  these people, that they are capable of formulating complex opinions and not worry that their opinions are of me as a person.

So, I stopped giving a f*ck about what people think about me -- but I've also decided to try to live life with as little regrets as possible. If I want to talk to someone, I'm going to talk to them. I'm more likely to apologize or forgive someone because I don't want to regret having that anger in my heart. I'm more like to go out on a limb -- and take the risk. Even if it doesn't pay off, at least I went there and at least I tried. I'm really trying to live my life this way.

I love my friends. I miss Constance -- who moved away. My sister is in Oklahoma (which is NOT where I am) for a few weeks. I miss my sister.

My friend said to me last night, "I can't imagine anyone not liking you. You are such a genuine person and I cannot imagine someone coming up to me and saying, 'don't be friends with her. She's such a bitch'." I thought that was sweet.

I like who I am right now. I like me.

"and if my heart should somehow stop..."