falling up.

I cannot get enough of this week. It's just been the kind of week where ALMOST everything works out pretty good.

 I'm just full of hope. I was deflated of hope and now I feel like my HOPE has been restored.
I told Bee earlier, "HOPE and CHANGE is what I need. I sound like Obama right now! Hope and change, hope and change. I HOPE there is a CHANGE in my sex life!"

I feel like if I post the things I really say on this blog, people would unfriend me. Hahaha! People on facebook go back and forth between deleting me and adding me all the time. Obviously I don't care -- most especially if I don't notice, which most of the time I don't.

The "Book Club" bitches were back together this week and ugh! It was so ridiculously fun.
There are very few people in the world who I can say ANYTHING to and not feel like I'm being judged. How many people can say that they have friends who they can be their total (like, 98%) self with?
What happens is, instead of going the negative route about everything, if one of us says something crazy or does something off the wall, the other two just embrace it. There is no, "Oh my gosh, what a weirdo!" or "Wow, that's really f*cked up..." like my friends doctor said about a conversation she related to him that we had when she was here.
Yes, our conversations are so... awesome that a mental health doctor says, "Wow. That's really f*cked up..." I'm actually pretty proud of that.

But even still, we don't sugar coat things for each other... usually.
Constance told me point-blank at the bar that I have a problem with PUSHING people away -- even if it's a GOOD, positive situation. I'll push it away. I recognize that I do that but who doesn't? What does it hurt to be cautious?
And yeah, like an idiot, I really do want the handsome, British Ryan Philippe-look-alike to climb up the friggin' balcony because he loves me so much and he just ISN'T going to let me push him away. Lol, it's so stupid and EVERYTHING I was complaining back in "It's loves illusion, i recall", I realize that. How hypocritical am I? I can't help it though. Disney, Meg Ryan (duh, Sleepless in Seattle! in real life, he would have filed a restraining order) and, more recently, Katheryn Heigl -- OH! Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? He climbed the fire escape, didn't he? I blame them.

In Back to the Future, Marty had Jennifer. He went back in time to fix their future together (among other things). Ferris Bueller had Sloane... and they had the cutest high school love ever.
John Hughes?! Yeah, blame him too. I LOVE Sixteen Candles but trust me, Jake Ryan NEVER breaks up with his girlfriend for the red-headed sophomore. It's just not going to happen. Sorry, Molly Ringwald. A young John Cusack was in that movie though, she should have went for him. He would have chased the hell out of her. Right, Ione Skye?! I will usually accept responsiblity for my own actions but in this particular instance, I'm blaming everything else.
And anyway, I went off-course with that.
My POINT is that I realize that I daydream too much.
The big romantic gesture rarely happens.

There have been so many self-esteem boosting, positive, AMAZING, awesome things happen in the past week that I'm so afraid it's going to go away. This sad feeling hasn't been overwhelming. I've just been so happy. I hope it sticks. Ah, there it is again -- hope.




"I don't want to waste the weekend. If you don't love me, pretend..."

i needed a really great day

I have to make this short and sweet but you read all my emo, depressing BS so I thought I'd lighten the mood.

I had a GREAT day today. This has been my first real "great" day in a WHILE.

First of all, I just felt pretty. I haven't felt pretty in a while.

Secondly, some things in my class happened that benefited me and made my little procrastinatin' heart happy.

 THEN the really cute gate guard was working and he was flirting with me again. I wasn't sure if he was flirting the first time but I was pretty sure this time. He was really cute though, and shy. He's totally MY team. I have no idea what his name is though.

Oh, and some other really great stuff happened that I wanted to erase... :-)

After coming to the hard realization that my exhusband and I are NOT getting back together, it was getting difficult to pick myself up and forging on every day. I tried to stay positive though.

I feel like today was the beginning of... something great.

sorry for the tease

I did post some stuff earlier but I had to delete it because I felt like it was inappropriate. I know a few people saw it. I'm sorry that you had to see such ugliness come from my blog. I know it wasn't MY ugliness but I need this to be a place of positivity.


People think I'm crazy but what do you do when you can't help it?

Maybe I am crazy.
I am also hasty.
I have bad judgement.
And minimal self-control sometimes.

Thanks to my friends (and family) for just being here for me.
I love you all!

it's loves illusion, i recall...

My oldest daughter asked me the other day why there were so many songs on the radio about love. I'm sure as an 8 year old, romantic love is very confusing. People are happy about it ("girl, you're amazing, just the way you are..."), people are unhappy about it ("I hate everything about you, why do I love you?") -- there are so many different feelings going on, so many different situations.