"but when you go hard, your 'nay's become 'yay's..."

I may or may not have overreacted to my exhusband today. I mean, he's easy to overreact too though. It's easy to take things out on him because... well, for one thing, he's far away AND because it just is. He's an easy scapegoat. What's he doing to do? Ignore me? He's doing that now. Hopefully he knows that I was just having a moment and will be fine tomorrow.

Besides that moment of freaking out on him, we were doing fine. He trusted me enough to fill me in on different aspects of his life. I can't post about them here but trust me, I WISH I could. It's totally blog-worthy.

Hey, exhusband, if you're reading this, you should totally blog about your new life -- because it's funny.

We're friends and I love that. I missed having him in my life. It's still awkward at times but it's okay. I love that we're both adult enough to be friends. I feel so lucky that way.

Other than that, I feel like everything is working out horribly this week. There is a lot of bullshit happening in my life -- stuff that none who live in my house deserves. It's enough to make me want to burn one of my 'marshmallow fireside' candles and pray. Who am I praying to? I have no idea.

I feel like I'm losing it.
But I feel like it will get better.
I need to get a job.
I don't think I'm going to feel better until I feel productive -- and I currently don't feel productive.

I also feel like I want to move. I know it would be a bad decision to move in the middle of the school year, etc but it's just how I feel. I want to move.

I don't know what my problem is. Just about everything in my life is FINE and yet I still feel awful/unproductive/ughhh. I said on facebook, "if your life sucks, it's probably your own fault" -- I fully believe that. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to make changes -- because if I don't like it, I should change it, right??? Right.
Stop complaining and start changing.

Totally feeling it right now.

Dearest Drunk Me,

   You are complicating my life with your antics.
    First of all, I have a small amount of self-control anyway but when Drunk Me emerges, any semblance to anything that looks like self-control just flies out the window. When someone I am attracted to flirts with me, no matter the situation, I'll flirt back. I can't help that anyway. I am very flirty. You need to try harder to keep that in check. Married, Drunk John might have been correct when he was laughing at you for yelling at him about something someone else did -- it was a little out of control for a second.
     Second of all, I know letting you 'out' (AKA over-drinking) is a choice that I freely make -- obviously and since it's a choice, I can't hide behind being drunk to explain away my actions. I called my (now ex) friend a coward for not being able to express his feelings except when he's drunk. That is cowardly so I guess I'm a coward sometimes too. 
      I get it, we're hurt, me and you and we're having a difficult time of it. But you know what? I am awesome and beautiful and whatever happens is going to be okay.
      It will be okay. I promise.
      Next time you're in Austin, Drunk Me, you will NOT cry. You will NOT call any person you know from there OR text anyone who isn't there, you will not flirt like 'Drunk Me' (sloppy) but you will stay in a good spot and channel Marilyn.
     Also, don't count on 'Drunk Constance' (or Jenkins, Michelle Tanner OR Randy) to censor you because she absolutely will not. It's not her job and you can't just do things and expect people to stop you. You do them because you want to do them, and it's nobody elses responsibility to keep you in check.
     I do, however, give you permission to throw a drink on the next unavailable man (engaged, girlfriend, married) who hits on you. Apparently we're an 'Unavailable Man' magnet. It's okay to be upset about it -- just don't be upset so loud and don't take it out on every other person you meet. It's not their fault.

Love and Kisses,
Sober Me

(this may sound like I have a drinking problem. I don't -- but some things happened recently that took place while I was a touch inebriated and this blog post is a result. It's probably not the END result of all of my stupid and thoughtless actions but it is resulting of it.)

bitt GOALS: losing weight.

I keep getting my heart broken.
I have the highest walls ever -- ask Constance. That bitch is ALWAYS trying to get me to open up and let someone in but I won't. Trust me, she's gotten annoyed with me more than once.

So whenever something happens that I am not mentally or emotionally prepared for, no matter how high my walls are, it's like a tornado coming in from the top. Whoa, I didn't build a wall there.
I keep getting got hurt and it's so stupid. I was doing SO good. I was happy and optimistic.
Life is killing my optimism. I'm tired of being hurt and tricked -- especially by people who really shouldn't be hurting me, who really should just leave me alone.

Trust me, it will not happen again -- and when I say that, I generally mean it.
I hate it when I'm weak. I'm so hard on myself.
Like, I want to cry sometimes and I fight it, tell myself I'm being a weenie and to pull myself together.
Do I do it? Yes.

It sucks though because I work so hard to be so strong and I just want SOMEONE I don't have to be so strong around. I want someone who will be strong FOR me sometimes.

Anyway!
Obviously my blog title doesn't say anything about being strong and getting my heart broken.
No, my blog title is about LOSING WEIGHT.
Wooot. :-)

So this past year, I've lost 26lbs by NOT doing anything different -- except a few diet and attitude changes.

26lbs is A LOT but it's less than I want to lose.
This 'broken hearted' thing has really motivated me to want to be better.

So I'm going to start going to the gym this week and working out. I went yesterday. I was going to go today but I had an emergency with my kids and couldn't make it. I am going to take it as a challenge to see how strong my will is.

I got this, guys.
My will is so strong right now.
It's amazing what pain can do for a person.


'Rumor Has It/Someone Like You' Glee mash-up. Love.

the singing valentine telegram.

sometimes you need something to shake up your world to motivate you to be better.

I'm not okay. I'm angry. That's how I am today.

I deactivated my facebook.
I just need space.
I'll be back.

my new normal

I keep saying, "This is it, this is it. I'm pulling myself together. No more romance, no more nothing. I'm just going to focus on school and get through it as quick and steadfast as possible" and then I self-destruct.

I think where I start to have difficulty with the 'no romance' is that I was in a relationship for practically 10 years straight. Now, I see all my friends with their husbands, etc. and that's all great for them but it makes me miss being in a relationship.

I don't even know why the 'romance' factor is so important. I get enough conversation, I get enough stimuli (going out, spending time with people, having things to do), I have an over-abundance of everything except cuddling (although I know some of my friends would snuggle with me, it's not really the same...).

I'm moving past missing my exhusband. I feel myself moving on -- and I think he's continuing to move on.
I will always love him but I'm ready to move past it. I've heard nothing except that we're not getting back together (and I've also said as much) so now I'm ready to move on from the feelings I once had and into my "new normal".

One of my best friends said to me, after she lost her daughter and after my exhusband moved out, that we will be okay -- that we have to find our 'new normal' in this life that completely changed literally from one day to the next. Our lives have changed and now we have to figure out how to live it in a different way.

Our 'new normal'. I loved it. She's so insightful sometimes.

I'm so ready to move on and find my 'new normal'. I'm on this journey to GET there but I'm not there yet. Sometimes I feel stagnant.
I don't think remaining in this house was a good idea. I love the friendships I made in this little circle we live in but living here makes me feel stagnated. There are memories everywhere. They don't hurt me like they used to anymore. But still, I want to move.


I'm in school.
I should be done SOONER than later.
I need to stay focused.
What is my problem with FOCUSING anyway?
I have ADD or something. I get distracted so easily -- and bored.

I am lucky to be where I am though so I shouldn't complain.
I know what I NEED to do versus what I WANT to do.