In this completely hypothetical situation that I'm potentially making up and probably has no basis in truth, there is this guy I may or may not be talking to -- and who henceforth be known as 'Chris O'Dowd' since he may or may not bare a resemblance to my favorite nerd crush and who I may or may not have a real life (yet, hypothetical) crush on.
the real Chris O'Dowd
Just sayin'.
Anyway, so in this potentially hypothetical scenario, 'Chris O'Dowd' and I have habits in our relationship (<---and I use the term casually) -- And me? Well, I notice peoples habits and patterns. It might be some kind of mild autism, the way I pay attention (and remember) details and/or the things people say, the things people do -- when they do them and how often, etc.. Regardless, in this hypothetical situation, 'Chris O'Dowd' was going against his usual habits and I questioned whether or I did something wrong.
A crazy amount of time had passed before I heard from him and he missed his usual time to message me. My (hypothetical) concern was legitimate, I thought -- although my friends were telling me that I needn't worry. I realize it's crazy of me but like I said, I overreact. I'm crazy in a harmless way.
I called Constance for our morning conversation -- because she is constantly talking me off the ledge. We may or may not talk 34 times a day from the time we wake up until she falls asleep (first, she usually goes to bed earlier than me). She talks me not just off the ledge in my hypothetical situations either. If it weren't for her, I would probably never have another relationship again -- hypothetical, casual, friendship or otherwise.
She suggested calmly that we make a list of the possible reasons why he hasn't responded (which made me think of the South Park episode with the girls and the list-making committee, if that pleases and sparkles with you) -- to which I promptly responded, "he was abducted by aliens..."
"That IS a reasonable reason," she said, in a way that sounded 2% sarcastic and 98% like she knew EXACTLY where this was going and she loved it. She opened up a word document and we went to work on this list.
45 minutes later, we came up with...
Realistic Reasons Why Chris O'Dowd Has Not Texted Me:
1. He was abducted by aliens.
2. He was asleep and did not set his alarm.
3. He is sick, and running behind.
4. He was abducted by the Mexican mob.
5. He was abducted by the CIA, and forced to work on a secret project.
6. He is secretly a spy.
7. He masturbated so much that he went blind, and had not memorized the keypad on his phone.
8. The luck dragon from Neverending Story came and brought him back to the story.
9. Doc Brown made a secret trip to the future, kidnapped him, and they are off saving the other future from the past.
10. He woke up from the Matrix and he is not here anymore.
11. Scientists came and decided that they wanted to do future research on his brain, and froze his body last night.
12. The men in black came and did a mind sweep because he saw something he should not have seen.
13. He found a magical talking backpack and realized he had to go on a quest and do three things, and in the process got his map swiped by swipper, and he cannot find his way back to his phone. (And damn Dora’s mom only packed five blueberries!)
14. There was a zombie apocalypse where he was last night.
15. The rapture came and he was secretly saved by the blood of Jesus H. Christ.
16. He got the serious case of Benjamin Buttons and last night he turned into a baby, and can no longer use a phone.
17. He got his mind erased like on eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and he does not remember me.
18. He is secretly in a gang, and he got shot up by the Crips last night. He is in the hospital, on life support, and when he uttered the words "(MY NAME)" the nurse did not know what he was saying, and he could not text.
19. He went out dancing last night and was discovered by Paula Abdul, and was begged to be in her next video. He is so shocked and excited, that he cannot even bring himself to send a text.
20. He has a peanut allergy, and while eating Thai food he accidentally ate a peanut, and his face and hands instantly became swollen, and he cannot text.
21. There was a fire in his hotel and his phone was ruined in the fire.
22. He was possessed by Halloween demons last night and the demon Chris O'Dowd does not even remember his name.
23. He had actually sent a text, but the sweetness of the text was blocked by his phone carrier, and they refused to send it through.
24. He was going downstairs to the lobby to get a soda and he found a little gold earring and he put it on. In the middle of the night he switched bodies with the other person wearing the other earring. He is too afraid to contact me because he is trapped inside the body of a little black lady and he does not think that I would believe him.
25. He was sitting in his hotel room (because he may or may not travel for work) and a big muscle guy with an accent comes in and tells him to come with him, if he wants to live. He goes with him and it turns out that the guy is a machine, who came back in time to protect Chris O'Dowd because he is important in the future. In the rush to save his life he forgot his cell phone in the hotel room.
Unrealistic Reasons Chris O'Dowd Has Not Texted
1. He is avoiding me.
When I finally talked to him, he read the list, called it epic and then he told me that 'avoiding me' was definitely the most unrealistic thing on the list -- I feel like he meant it.
More than I want to speak on this hypothetical (and practically non-existent) situation with "Chris O'Dowd" ('cause I DON'T), I just really needed to share this list.
If you're ever waiting to hear back from someone and they take a long-ass time getting back to you, please feel free to look to our list for comfort, as the reason is almost certainly ONE of the reasons we proposed.
