sometimes you gotta break down in order to build yourself back up

If you have to use the phrase, "I am not your vagina puppet", I think it's time to start reevaluating things.

I don't like putting my business in public but after Constance's comment about being strong because I can admit I'm weak, I feel like other people should know there are dark moments while going through ANY kind of break-up situation but especially a divorce.

In Austin on Saturday, I woke up and found out that $800 was taken out of my checking out without authorization. It was a pretty messed up situation since I'm not a rich bitch (yet), that pretty much screwed up my whole... weekend? Week? Month? All of the above.

Regardless, I forged on with Austin weekend as planned, TRYING to put on a happy face. I was with my besties and my sister -- even poor, I knew I could have fun with my friends and we did. I'll put pictures up later.
Saturday night, I might have drank too much and it might have been a bad idea. I was already really emotional and feeling sorry for myself. Most of the time, my friends can tell you, I don't usually spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself or feeling ugly or self-conscious. I don't really have time for it.
I don't like to spend time in negative places.
But for some reason, I was vacationing in the most negative place of all - Self-Pity City.
I was alright at first. I met SO many people.

• Jason
• Bridget
• Chris
• Nicho (like, Niko -- short for Nicholas)
• The girl who worked with Nicho
• Kenny
• Nick (yes, two Nicholas's in one night!)
• Kitty Korvette (yes, that's what she said her name was)
• Pita
• Donnie
• Mike
• "Roger" (AKA Brendon)
• "Roger"'s friend (whose name also started with an R)
• 5 guys off the bus full of Dutch guys whose names I cannot remember for the life of me.

So when Bee and Ani told me it was time to find my little sister (who was with her almost-boyfriend in a bar down the street), I was okay with it. I was social, I met a lot of people so I considered the night a success.
But as we walked down 6th St., I saw someone who reminded me of someone else and I broke down in the middle of the sidewalk. I started crying. People were walking past me like I wasn't even there.
I finally sat down on the sidewalk (because I was much too inebriated to emote that strongly while standing) to continue my drama-crying-fest. Ani and Bee were trying to comfort me. Just then, Pita and Donnie walked by and were very very concerned about what was wrong with me. My sister showed up and thought it was funny that people I didn't know where stopping, knew my name and were actually concerned about me.
Bee used my catchphrase on me -- "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" I remember telling her that she was right, I DID need to pull myself together. That's when I got up and walked to the car.
"I can't believe I'm crying in the middle of the city!" I kept saying.

We finally went to iHop, where our waiter Carlos was trying to make me feel better too -- even though I still couldn't stop crying. I ate some crackers and cried while everyone else ate real food. When we got back to the hotel, I stayed up for a minute but I went to bed soon after.

There are moments where being brokenhearted  is ugly and real and takes you to negative places.
If you can make it out, you're stronger for it.
I'm going to make it out and I know that any of my friends who are in the negative place will make it out too. You just got get through it and find your way.

I've been okay since then though.
I've been highly emotional the past week but I am attributing that to not getting enough sleep. Apparently I can't handle less than 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I'm just overwhelmed but I know it will be okay. Once I get used to the routine again, I'll be golden.
On a more positive note, School started on Monday and I feel like life has been moving faster than ever since then. Maybe it's because the summer days were moving SO SLOW, they blurred together until I didn't know which day was what and when. And now, I know where I'm suppose to be at any given time. I really enjoy this routine -- although I am missing my friends and it's only Wednesday! I haven't hardly talked to any of them.
I love my classes though -- I changed them a lot but I'm glad I did because I picked the best classes. This semester is going to be awesome.
I like having stuff to do, I like going to class and I LOVE what I'm going to be learning this semester.
My kids love their classes and were ready to get back to school. My youngest wasn't really. When she woke up on Monday, she told me she was scared but when I picked her up after school, she told me that she had so much fun. She isn't so scared anymore.
song of the week:

Eminem!
"success is my only motherf*--in' option, failure's not..."