unavailable

I keep meeting these guys who are completely UNAVAILABLE.

I know that I am still legally married but we are definitely getting divorced. There is no chance of salvaging out relationship. I love him and we are working on being friends -- that's what I want more than anything. I want to be FRIENDS with him, we're working on it.
The good thing is -- he is genuinely a NICE guy and I know he still loves me (because I know I still love him) so after we can work through everything, we can be friends.

So, while I'm still married, I'm definitely not UNAVAILABLE the same way these other guys are. I can't just do anything I want because I have kids.
Oh, yes -- I have children. They are more important than you -- they aren't going anywhere. I can't do anything about having kids -- but even if I could, I wouldn't. They are my loves, my whole heart and I wouldn't be able to breath without them.

Speaking of the loves of my life, I also have RULES about dating me:

• you cannot come over to my house. Simply because I have children and I am not inviting men into their lives. Yes, I have male friends who come over but they are legitimate FRIENDS -- no "benefits", no sex. These friends are really just friends. If we are romantic at all, then you just can't come to my house.
• if I do let you come over to my house, it will be after 8pm and you can't stay all night. But you have to be at a certain level to even get to this point and it's not quick.
• I will talk about my kids but you can't meet them until after you meet my ex. That's just a rule. I expect him to do the same to be. It's just courteous and respectful in my eyes.

Those are just a few and I'm sticking to them.

Even though I've been meeting mostly duds, I'm having fun with it. I'm not taking anything too seriously. I don't want to get hurt -- anytime I think I start to like someone, I just back away a little.

I'm just loving life right now -- even though I'm bored tonight. Ha!

how to get in my pants

AKA "The Keys to My Vagina"

Lesson ONE

"Stalking is not love"

      I made a statement at one point on my blog about how I miss men. It's a true statement -- NO, I don't need to be lectured about my BITT goals again. But I decided to try to see what was out there -- just for the fun of it.
      I know enough about myself to know that I have a type: tall, SMART (preferably smarter than me), funny/witty, and kind of nerdy. I don't mean a socially awkward nerd like my astronomy teacher. You have no idea how hard it is to find this specific type of guy.

     Still yet, I put myself out there and here is what I know:

If you try to show up at places you know I will be with my friends, I get super uncomfortable and start to feel smothered. I don't like to feel like I'm moving on a fast track to a relationship. I'm not ready for a boyfriend, I'm not trying to force anything and I definitely don't want some guy who is WAY too into me for his own good around me when I'm out. I've noticed how jealous some guys can be -- it's unattractive and it's a red flag for me. If your jealously comes out before we've even kissed, then I don't even want to see you again. It weirds me out.  

If you text me more than 6 times in an hour because I'm not responding to you, you are exposing your crazy and it needs to be in check. If I don't respond to your, "Hey.", "Hey, wut u doin", "this is how it's gonna be??" -- then yes, that is probably how it's going to be. And that most unequivocally does NOT mean the next step in regaining my attention is sending me a photograph of your dick. Just sayin'.

If you then begin to CALL because I'm not answering my texts, I'm over it altogether and will not talk to you again. If the photograph of your dick didn't already send me into researching whether or not my wireless carrier allows other phone numbers to be blocked, calling me surely will.

Don't text/call the next day and act like you didn't blow up my phone. That's almost worse than the actual blowing up of my phone. It's weird to pretend that you were not creepy-as-hell as the day before. It's just weird. Weird -- and scary-creepy. How hard is it to be normal, guys? Really.

      If I am texting a guy and he doesn't text me back, I do not just continue on texting him. It's CRAZY behavior to try to continue on with a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you. If someone doesn't want to talk to you, then that's it. And it's fine. I always say to myself, if he doesn't realize how awesome I am, then we're better off not even talking.
       It might sound egotistical, it might sound narcissistic but I can't help it. I don't see the point in pretending I'm less than awesome -- or even allowing feeling of non-awesomeness to overpower my rational, positive thoughts. It's a blow to my ego but it's not the end of the world. I'm learning to handle rejection a healthy way. And sometimes the rejection really hurts but I'm learning to put that "rejection" pain into perspective. But this is something else entirely.

Lesson 1.5
      I've also realized that I'm more likely be attracted to someone who speaks English (as in, not txt spk) in their texts to me. I don't even KNOW a lot of the text slang, besides "omg", "lol" (and any variation thereof), "idk" -- I DO know that "probably" isn't spelled "prolly" and that "Z" is not an acceptable substitute for the letter "S". If he knows the difference between your and you're, then I'm crazy attracted. Don't even get me started on Their, They're, and There.
      Even in texting, though, I might give a pardon because it's TEXTING. I shorten words sometimes so I don't have to send two texts or whatever other reason but if we're chatting on facebook and you're in front of a keyboard and you still message like you didn't pass 5th grade grammar, I will probably stop talking to you. I'm not super picky, I know some words are accidentally misspelled. I realize that people are human. I will recognize an EFFORT to be grammatically correct. If it's obviously not an important issue for you, then I can't help you.

     So to RECAP,
            lesson one taught us:

• give me space

• don't crowd me

• DON'T even waste your time with me if I don't seem interested because I will probably never be interested if I'm not right away.

• do not send me unsolicited pictures of your penis

• spelling and grammar wins bonus points

bipolar

I'm pretty sure I was called bi-polar twice last week. I'm not bi-polar though, guys!
Not yet. Haha!

I learned something new about myself -- (or, maybe it's, "I just accepted a personality trait"):

I overreact.

In my opinion, it's normal for people to overreact a little. That's what people who are prone to overreacting says though, right?

I'm not a scary overreacter. I don't go to extremes with my actions.
But with my feelings? Yeah. I overreact. I have extreme feelings.
I think I take things way too personal AND I overanalyze EVERYTHING.

I can't help the overanalying. It just happens. I question everything, the intent behind the action -- more importantly, the intent behind the word. I don't want to be someone who questions everyones intentions but I can't help it. It's safer for me that way. I cannot be hurt again. I'm sure I will be. Not everyone divorces their husbands and falls in love with their next partner and I'm sure that is not what will happen for me.

BESIDES THAT, dear reader - as I'm sure you are reminding me - my BITT goals expressly STATE "No romance". It's written on the blog post so I'm pretty sure that makes it almost legally binding - sort of similar to common law marriage.

ALSO I jump head-first into things JUST to see how I react to them. This is why I can't hardly get upset with anything that happens to me. I pretty much cause (a lot, not all) of the stress in my life -- just by jumping into things. Will I ever learn to do the things I should?

It's SO hard to stay positive. I don't know how easy I make it seem. I'm hoping that I make it seem like a breeze but trust me, it's really hard to stay positive. It's hard to maintain such a positive outlook.
I'm naturally a positive person so when I have to FIGHT every negative emotion in my body, it gets exhausting. That's why I believe it's good to have moments where you aren't fighting your instincts.
BUT it gets easier every day.
Today I'm feeling so positive -- without fighting negative impulses. I'm full of happiness right now.

My favorite love song of the moment:

"I want a love that's side by side, I want a love that holds me tight. I want love that feels like a dream but when I wake up, he's still there with me.
So put me up on a pedestal, give me everything I need but give it to me so completely that there will be no more wishing..."

karma

Every time I think I get a little bit closer, it actually turns out that I'm two steps backwards. Oddly, the scenery looks the exact same. No wonder I can't tell the difference.

I challenged myself this week and on Day 2.5 of the Challenge, my good mood turned sour and I was back on the Depression Train. It's not going to last this time. It's gonna be the shortest ride on the Depression Train ever! I can't give other people that much power over my emotions. Everything he does is mind games and I'm not falling for it again.

...deleted paragraph...

My friends are pretty f*cking awesome. I honestly don't think I could have a better set of friends. I am truly BLESSED for every single person in my life, for whatever they bring to it -- even the negative. I don't use the word 'blessed' a lot but that's how I feel about my friends. I learn something fron EVERYONE I meet. Everything is a learning experience and I truly enjoy every person I come across -- even miserable, horrible people.
Speaking of karma and miserable, horrible people, what I like about it is the "fairness" of it. If you put ugliness out in the world, then you get it back. It's about who you are inside and the conscious decisions you make to do good or bad things, the intent behind the action.

So now, I'm going to work on POSITIVE energy. It's been a great weekend-- even though literally nothing of significance has happened. My frown is back to being upside down and this next week is going to rock my socks off.

Positive energy, guys.
I feel like I'm radiating sunbeams and that I can end the war with my smile.

me and my big mouth

random conversations:

A: I hope we don't get raped.
B. Did you bring your rape whistle?
A: I don't have a rape whistle.
B: I handed them out at my Cinco De Mayo party!
A. I don't guess I brought one with me.
C. I'd almost welcome bring raped right now if it meant someone would touch my boob.