I believe in a thing called love.

I always want to blog but I never know what about. Maybe that just means that I want to write something -- and apparently blogging is the only way to get the words out.

I don't even have anything creative to say anyway.

I don't even know.

I have so much going on right now and I've been up since 5:30am and it's after midnight.

I got a new job -- just, FYI.
I DID work at a bank.
I am totally cut out for customer service. People LOVE me, I'm friendly and talkative. I knew a lot of the customers by name -- if not by name, I recognized their faces and would remember our conversations. They loved me.
I will miss that about working at the bank.
I learned though that I'm too much of a hippie to work in a financial institution. I'm not all about 'take, take, take'. I like to give.

Another lesson I learned from that experience:
I'm becoming more and more okay with closed chapters.
Not "burning bridges" because that sounds ugly.
I'm okay with closing chapters. It's almost the New Year.
Let's close some chapters and open a new one.
Everything happens exactly like it's supposed to and I'm excited to see what else is coming.
I'm excited about the NEW chapter with my new job.

I hope this New Years is as awesome as last years was.
No, scratch that. Last year, I was cranky and tired and broke and at the gay bar (which I LOVED except that I was sober) and SOBER.
BUT, in fairness, everything I asked for (from the universe) on New Years last year, I got -- even if it wasn't EXACTLY what I meant. It was a 'be careful what you ask for' kind of lesson, for sure.
I asked for a kiss from a stranger and was practically assaulted by a random guy who I accused of having (and probably giving me) bacterial meningitis afterwards (I ended up being fine -- I may have overreacted but I doubt it).
I asked for a crazy night -- and while I stayed sober, one of my friends DID get arrested (which we didn't find out about until the next day), Constance and I walked all over downtown ATX looking for a cab and was almost thrown up on on a super drunk guy once we found one.

Soooo, maybe this year will NOT be crazy. Maybe this year will just be... like an old persons New Year.
But I doubt it. I already have my eye on a dress (A DRESS, I know! What's the world coming to?!) that is sparkly for whatever plans I make.
I never thought I was a 'sparkly dress' kind of girl -- and I'm not but I'm bringing it this New Years.

I've also started appreciating how awesome I am. I appreciate the weirdness about myself or the silliness. I also understand and know my flaws. I know who I can be, who I'm working to be and who I WANT to be. I believe in myself.
I just want to be like Betty White OR Lucy -- Ohh, or Mary Tyler Moore.
Just classy, smart, and hilarious.
I've said, "be the kind of person you would want to date..." and I have to say, I totally AM the kind of person I would date. There are some things that I need to work on but other than that, as conceited as it sounds, I would date myself if I were into girls and had a clone.
I'm pretty amazing sometimes. Just saying.

Stay tuned for the Best and Worst of 2012!

"I hope you know you're my favorite person in the world"...

I haven't said much lately because I feel like I can't say things.
Which is okay because I guess right now, I'm going to say them anyway.

I'm not sure where I left off on here.
I guess I was "pining over my ex on my blog", right? That's where I left off.

I don't have a lot to say about it because I'm not constantly in pain over him.
I've moved on. Sometimes it's harder than others but I don't have to work on it as hard anymore.
Anyone going through it should know it DOES get easier.
Find whatever 'it' is that you need to find in yourself before you can find it in someone else.


it's Lesson One

Speaking of 'finding it in someone else', I met this guy. He's pretty awesome.
If we're facebook friends, favorite blog reader, then this isn't news.
Although, on facebook, I don't brag talk about how awesome he is.
It's kind of crazy how awesome he is.
I'm certain that it's only going to continue getting better and better.

I don't think I would appreciate certain things about him if I hadn't have been in my previous relationship.
I've learned from my mistakes. I benefit from my mistakes.
Nothing is easy and everything is hard but today, I'm as happy as I could be.
I miss my friends something awful though. -SIGH-

I'm still working on my BITT goals and 30 is just around the corner.
I feel like I'm moving super slow in that regard but moving slow is better than not moving at all.
I'm never unhappy with my life. I have a lot of work to do though.

Even on my worst day, I'm still super lucky/blessed/whatever.

it's been a hot minute.

I haven't blogged in forever.
FOREVER.
I've heard I exaggerate too much. I guess if more than one person independently says I exaggerate too much, then perhaps I do.
I like to think of it as my overactive imagination getting the best of me.
It's too much for people sometimes. It's too much for ME sometimes.

ANYWAY!!!
In April I had decided my Halloween goal was to lose 44lbs.
Unfortunately, I've only lost about HALF of that (approximately 20lbs, give or take depending on the day). There is still roughly SIX weeks to go to lose the rest of it -- 24lbs. I'm hopeful. Six weeks is a long time and in June, I lost 10lbs in two weeks by doing nothing except eating super small amounts of food and only drinking water.
The human body doesn't need much food to survive. We over-eat all the time. I ate too much today -- and I feel so gross, I feel like I should be sweating just from breathing.
Personally, I think three meals a day is way too much. In June, I cut it down to ONE 'meal' a day but mostly light snacking throughout the day. I'll probably go back to that.
I really feel like I've got this. Before I started this post, I was iffy about it but after writing all this out and figuring out how much time I have and whatnot, I'm starting to feel optimistic about it again.
Currently, the amount of weight I've lost total is approximately 52lbs from March 2011.
That's... you know, good. I feel like I could do better.

I have a job now (bank teller) so that really limits the amount of time I have to work out. My time is stretched thin between work, my kids and various other people in my life. BUT even if I don't have time to make it to the gym, I have a whole 'gated community' at my disposal. It's starting to cool off outside. I'm probably going to have my children walk with me. That way they can exercise too AND spend time with me. Two birds, one stone. I told you I got this.
My oldest has an MP3 player. If I'm going to make them work out with me, perhaps I need to get my youngest one an MP3 player too.

I've been feeling very negative lately. Trying to find childcare so I can work stresses me out. I'm putting my kids in an after-school program AND work transferred me to another branch with hours more kid-friendly. I have amazing people who help me also but it still stresses me out. I'm working on it though. I'm coming back 'round and thankfully, it's all getting figured out.
I hate relying on other people because I still feel like other people will let you down and disappoint you so it's better to figure out everything on your own -- and then MAYBE let other people help. I always need a Plan B.

Other than that, I really do love life right now. I have future plans.
I haven't forgotten my BITT Goals. I'm working on them slowly and steadily.
I am happy.

anywhere you go, I'll follow you down...

I have that song stuck in my head. I love it when I have 90s music stuck in my head.
"anywhere you go, I'll follow you down -- anyplace but those I know by heart. Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down, I'll follow you down but not that far."
I'm just really into the Gin Blossoms today. I don't know. :)

It's summer already, peeps and the weather is lovely.
It doesn't feel as hot this summer (so far), as it has in previous summers.
I haven't gone to the gym in a week. A WHOLE WEEK but I'm not stressing about it.
I'm going to go. I AM GOING TO GO.

School is out and we have an abundance of plans.
AN ABUNDANCE!

My birthday is less than two weeks away and I cannot express to you how excited I am about this. EVERYONE is coming: Constance, Ani, Bee, Jenkins(!!!), Michelle Tanner -- Kelly Kapowski might come! And a few other people that I'm just super happy about seeing.
I have the best people in my life. I am so lucky because I feel like I'm a magnet for the most awesome people. Yes, sometimes I attracted jerks but I think I've learned my lesson.
Once I shake off the excess, what is left is the best favorite people ever and I legitimately cannot wait to see everyone.
I feel like that much awesomeness in one place might cause a gravitational shift.
Just sayin'.

I'm such a glow worm today

I am in a ridiculous good mood today and I have no idea why.
No, I know why. -SIGH- And no, I'm not sharing.
I'm in such a good mood, though, that if you have any new jokes to try out, you might try to tell them to me. I'm an easy audience today and will probably laugh my ass off at ANYTHING. It's that serious.

AND because of this, I'm not feeling so anxious about other things happening this summer. I was having some serious dread and anxiety.
I'm okay now though.



On a different note (and the same note), I am becoming increasingly aware that I am not normal. I've been called, "unique", "quirky" and "interesting" (interesting TWICE, by two different people) in the last week. There is nothing else to do but just accept it. What else can I do? I've always known I am a magical gem in a cave full of rocks. A lemon cookie in a bag of oatmeal cookies. A sunflower in a meadow of dandelions...

I'm in there somewhere.

I'm juuuust kidddin', of course.
Besides that, I have nothing new to add, blog readers because I am private about some things.
I don't even actually think I'm being private, I just don't want some people knowing my business.
Haters doin' what they do best, hatin' -- and all that.
Even still, I kind of wish I could write on here how my day went yesterday -- and the funny things that happened but I can't. It kind of upsets me, as it is a great story.
Ohhhh well.
Sometimes I really wish I could say the sh*t I want to say.

The moment you realize your dreams can come true...

I've only talked about this... 'dream' a few times because once I looked up the 'requirements', I told myself I couldn't do it.
I want to join the FBI.

I feel like that's crazy.
It's a very intense process and I'll never graduate from an impressively named college (because I can't afford it, because I can't move to go to one of these colleges, because I probably wouldn't even get IN).
How would I even get accepted into it???
The physical requirements alone are overwhelming for me.
The physical requirements for the FBI are somewhat similar to an Army PT test.
The physical requirements for me for an Army PT Test would be:
at least 50 sit-ups
at least 17 push-ups
and I'd have to run TWO MILES in at least 19 minutes, 36 seconds.

The physical requirements for the FBI PT test are scored differently than the Army PT test.
You have to score at least 12 points total, with at least one point in each category.
To score ONE POINT each for the FBI test, you have to do:
at least 35 sit-ups in one minute,
at least 14 push-ups (untimed),
sprint 300-meters in at least 64.9 seconds,
and run 1.5 miles in at least 13:59.

My problem has always been the running.
I have ONE horrible knee and suffer from patellar dislocation, which is just fancy medical terminology for 'kneecap dislocation'.
My kneecap will dislocate for no reason. One time, it did it simply because I moved my body a certain direction and for some reason, my leg didn't follow and my kneecap slipped out of place.
When this happens, I have to go the ER (and get pumped full of drugs -- once they just numbed my whole leg, it was crazy) so they can pop it back into place. When I was younger, it would go by itself and it wouldn't last very long.
When it is dislocated, I can feel the muscles under my knee tighening, like it's trying to get it back into place somehow but since it's happened a lot, the bone in my knee has eroded and it won't pop back into place easily anymore.
Unless I get it fixed somehow (surgery, maybe?), it's just going to keep happening.
The last time it happened was the summer of 2010. Before that, April 2009 -- and before that, June 2002. Yeah, I went 7 years without it happening.
But before I went that 7 years, it was happening quite a lot.

Ever since I started working out, I always always wear a knee brace.
I started trying to go faster on the treadmill because I WANT to be able to run.
My knee dislocated once when I was running when I was younger and I don't think I've ran since then. This whole thing with my knee has really limited everything I do because I'm afraid my knee is going to dislocate.
When we'd go to the skating rink (when I was younger), I would never skate.
I don't know how to skate, guys. I was always so afraid of doing it because I didn't want my knee to dislocate.
It's not the only reason I got so very overweight but I do believe it's part of the reason. Because I'm so afraid of it happening, I just refrain from doing things and it's made me lazy -- and I just accepted it, for whatever reason.


the voice of hater-ism

Now that I'm going to the gym and doing sit-ups and actually moving faster on the treadmill - working my sides, crunches, etc, I realized that I can actually make this dream a reality.
I could pass the FBI physical test -- it would require a lot of work on my part, it will probably require knee surgery but I could do it. I hold no illusions that it won't be hard. My knee will probably dislocate once before it's all said and done but I'm done being afraid of it.
"Get busy living or get busy dying", right?

I was telling Constance about how I wanted to join the FBI but when I lived in NY (at least 3 years ago), I looked up the requirements and I resigned myself to the idea that I couldn't do it. I mean, there was required RUNNING and I wasn't even going to attempt to run.

Then yesterday when I was talking about, I almost started crying because of the simple realization that if I actually TRIED, I could do it. I was starting to move faster on the treadmill, I didn't want to give up anymore. I almost always feel like I could keep going, even after an hour.
I became overwhelmed with emotion because I had thought I couldn't do it. I accepted that I couldn't do it. Then epiphany that I COULD do it, that it was real - drowned me in happiness.
When I think about that girl who didn't believe in herself -- for whatever reason, I feel sorry for her. Why didn't I think I could do it?
Laziness is definitely one of the main causes. I was lazy.
Also, I'm pretty sure the ONE person who was supposed to believe in me and support me would have just laughed at me if I told him. I hate to say that about him, like I'm being malicious or something but I'm not. It's true, he probably would have laughed at me.
Now that I'm -36lbs -- and I'm not giving up to lose more, I really feel like I could do it. I can (and AM) building up to it and I'm working hard. My sweat and time is going into this -- I'll do what I have to do it to make it happen.
I wouldn't even care if I made it into the actual FBI (I mean, I DO care but you know what I mean...). If I could just pass the physical test, I'd already feel like I won something.

The physical requirement isn't even the ONLY requirement.
The hoops you have to go through to get accepted are intense but it's understandable.
We'll see how it goes.  

That moment when you realize you actually can do anything and that you actually want to work as hard as you can to achieve it, is a crazy, overwhelming feeling.

making friends at the movies

I went and saw The Avengers last night and I should have known right from the get-go that the night was going to be strange.
I was planning on leaving early because I figured there would be a lot of people there and I wanted a good seat. I told Michelle Tanner that I didn't want to leave yet because I was afraid I'd be the only one there that early.
"Well, you could call the movie theater and ask if there are people in line already," she suggested.

"That seems a bit drastic just to make sure I don't look desperate and super excited about the movie," I said. But she grabbed my phone and called anyway.

And even after all that, the guy put her on hold and never came back. She hung up and I never got the answer to my question so I decided to just go.

I got there about 10:45pm and the theater was open. I walked in and there were people already there.
My FAVORITE spot in a theater is three rows from the top, directly in the middle. It's the best spot in the whole place so I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

As I was walking into the theater, though, I thought I needed to make a game plan for coming to the movies alone.
(Game Plan: The movie was 2.5 hours long, I was there a little over an hour early. I wasn't going to eat or drink anything so I didn't have to go to the bathroom during the movie (because if I got up and the theater was packed, there was nobody would save my seat).)

Yes, my game plan was to let myself dehydrate.

I walk into the theater and it wasn't too packed at that point. I looked to my spot and there were two guys sitting there BUT the whole row on either side of them was empty. I thought, I could sit two or three seats away from Red Shirt and still have a pretty good, all-encompassing view of the movie.
I walk up there and they are both watching me. Red Shirt is staring at me before I sit down so I ask if anyone is sitting there (even though it's two or three seats away from him).

"We're saving this whole row actually," Red Shirt said.
I blinked. "For who?"
"Our friends..."
"Don't you think if they wanted a good seat, they would have came earlier?" I asked him.
"They're running late..." he said and then checked his phone, all self-important-like.
"You have this many friends?" guesturing the whole row.
"They're from our choir. It's our church friends," he told me.
"Ahhh, you had to throw God at me, didn't you?"
Red Shirt told me was just kidding, that I could sit anywhere. There was a seat between him and his friend so I asked, "even that one?" and he said, yeah, I could sit there too.
I didn't though. I stayed in my spot.
I asked them what church they went to and the other guy (Shaggy Hair) told me it was the Baptist Presbyterian church.
I asked if it was southern Baptist and he said no, it was a northern chapter.
And then he said it was all men, "it's all men but they call it the 'All Boy (Northern) Baptist Presbyterian church".
They kept trying to get me to fetch them beverages, which I wouldn't do.
I thought about why I was so adament about saying no to them -- like, I wouldn't even pretend I would go get them. I haven't come up with a definitive answer for that one yet.
I asked them their names (after they got mine AND my grandma Shirleys name).

There is ONE guy name that I told Lisa Turtle if I ever met another guy named this, I would say, "Absolutely not" and turn around and walk away. I have horrible luck with guys named this but since it's super common, I realize I'll meet a lot more of them than I should.
These guys had the same name. The same 'I have horrible luck with guys named this' name.
It's a horror movie serial killer name -- the scariest one (IMO) and no, not Chuckie.

I couldn't believe their name. It was just too much.
But I decided I COULD befriend these guys for the duration of the movie -- after all, if I needed to use the bathroom, they very well might hold my seat for me.
The thought that they might wasn't enough for me to abandon my game plan and actually get a drink though.

I asked them how old they were and they wouldn't tell me. Shaggy Hair eventually told me that he was 22 and I thought, "I should've guessed they were youngsters when they weren't getting ANY of my pop culture references..."

While I was sitting there talking to them, another guy sat down 5 seats away from me. He was wearing a hat and I didn't recognize him.
Remember in my 'How To Get In My Pants 2', when I talked about the 18 year old boys who were friends with my sister? Well, we had all stopped being friends when one of the boys kept disrespecting me in my home. It ended with me telling him off in my front yard after he stole from me and then lied about it. THEN he deleted me and blocked me on Facebook (ohh, burn. I can tell you, that hurt the worst <-- sarcasm).
So as I'm sitting there, talking to my new friends and the 'guy wearing a hat''s friends showed up. To my surprise, I actually KNEW the guy in the hat and his friends -- it was the teenage boys who used to come over to my house. I said hi to them and they smiled and said hi back -- even though the whole thing was awkward. They looked at the guys I was with -- little did they know I had just met them and then we all turned away from each other.
That was awkward.

Finally the previews started and Shaggy Hair told me to silence my phone.
I said, "my phone is ALWAYS on silent!"
And then what happens after the Men in Black 3 trailer - you know, while the green screen of silence right before the preview starts? My sister, Kelly Kapowski, calls me.
The Doug theme song fills an entire 10ft radius with it's sound.
Shaggy Hair looked at me and said, 'SILENCE YOUR PHONE!"
Great, I thought, I'm that girl.

The movie ended up being really good though -- really funny, although I knew it would be. Joss Whedon is a pretty funny guy.
Everyone was upset about Mark Ruffalo replacing Edward Norton as the Hulk but it didn't bother me. Maybe it's because it's been YEARS since I've seen The Hulk and while I love Edward Norton, I just figure he should have known how big the movie was going to be and he chose to be unavailable.
I'm loving Chris Hemsworth as Thor. He does a GREAT job -- I just saw him in Cabin in the Woods and he wasn't Thor-like at all. I love it.
I was so sleepy that the 3D was hurting my eyes and a headache was starting to form but I managed to battle through it.

After the movie was over, my new friends and I parted ways.
We didn't exchange anything. Some things are better left as they are.

It was such a random evening.

that girls got legs for days.

I have two pairs of jean shorts that didn't fit me very well last summer. They were tight. I hated wearing them and often DIDN'T because they just didn't fit me.
Well, they were tight in the waist. Nothing ever fits me right in the legs because my legs aren't fat. My legs are long and becoming the awesome they were always meant to be but my legs had an unfair advantage anyway. I've been said to have "chicken legs" -- although I don't agree with that.

Anyway.
So back to these jean shorts of mine.
One pair was clean, the other dirty so obviously I opted to wear the clean ones. I put them on and even though I've put them on since I've started working out, the only thing I had noticed different was that they actually fit me.
Today when I put them on, they were a little loose but nothing too extreme. I mean, they were clean and they had that 'out of the dryer' shrink to them.
I wore them to the pool. After wearing them for a while, they had grown and were way too big for me. I feel like they are going to fall off me.
My Batman shirt is getting bigger.

Trust me, I'm only complaining because I can't just replace my clothes all the time.
If anything, I'm bragging.
But after all the sweating and wanting to give up, I don't even feel bad about bragging.
I've earned it.

Even still, it amazes me what is happening to my clothes and body -- AND my mind.

Even last summer, when I would squeeze into these shorts, I wouldn't ever wear them anywhere because I was insecure to show my legs. I know I said they've been called 'chicken legs' but I was still super insecure about it. In my mind, they were awful.
I'm not insecure about it anymore.
I have my moments where I'm like, "is she thinking, 'omg, why is she wearing those shorts?'" and then I catch a glimpse at my legs in a window and I'm like, "Huh. No, she's probably thinking, 'that girls got legs for days' and I wish I was as tall as her" -- which is exactly what I want people to think, that I have legs for days.

On a classic episode of Saved by the Bell entitled, 'Dancing to the Max', the gang enter a dance contest at the Max. Zach and Slater are predictably fighting over who gets the great honor of having Kelly as their dance partner.
Jessie offers to teach Zach to dance so Kelly will pick him but in the process, Zach decides he'd rather go with Jessie, even though, as she points out, she's taller than him.
In this episode, Jessie is really insecure about being taller than all the boys. Elizabeth Berkley is pretty tall -- her IMDB says she's 5'10" so I totally feel her insecurity on that one. She has these daydreams about growing every time a boy talks to her and then they get frightened of her ever-growing height.
I totally understand how she feels. I'm one inch taller than her and I often feel like my grand stature is intimidating.
But I've decided that I'm not going to be insecure anymore.
It's not even an 'I love myself as I am' kind of thing either. I'm just tall so I should get over it.

The whole point of this Saved by the Bell memory lane walk-a-thon is that I'm probably taller than you, dear favorite blog reader, and nothing will change that -- unless something awful happens to my legs OR you get experimental leg growth surgery (right, Constance?!). I don't suggest that though.
If I ever have a 'shorter than me' boyfriend, I'll just walk beside him and pretend like I'm his model, red carpet girlfriend with the great legs and it will be fine.

And yes, I am totally okay comparing my life and feelings to a Saved by the Bell episode.
Don't even get me started on the Very Special 'Hooked on Caffeine Pills' episode.
Seriously. It's like watching my life.

a fox or a hound...?

Lisa Turtle and I went on a hike today. It was actually pretty tame. I remember the first time I walked that trail with Blake* (the name I'm giving my exhusband -- so I can stop calling him, 'exhusband') and our children.
I was so out of shape, I had to stop a lot of times and catch my breath. It felt like Mount Everest and I was for sure that I couldn't conquer it. I even doubted myself today, even though we do inclines just about every day.

What happened this time?! Nothing but awesomeness.
I think we stopped once so Lisa Turtle could respond to a text but other than that, we kept on keepin' on and it was a breeze. Plus, it was actually breezy outside. It was a beautiful day today.

I'm pretty sure we saw a baby fox -- and I was pretty sure that wherever a baby fox was, a momma fox was surely close behind. 

Thankfully, Momma Fox was not a helicopter mom and we didn't run into danger.
Well, if you don't count the dangerous 'bunny' I almost mistook for a baby fox, we made it off that trail fairly unscathed.

Seeing that baby fox felt like the universe was asking me a question though:
Do you want to be a FOX or a hound?

Not that I'm a hound now but that was the general idea.
Perhaps the universe was asking, do you want to be a bad-ass fox or a fluffy, sweet bunny that the fox devours? The universe was giving me a lot to ponder over.

For the past two weeks, I had lost my motivation. I know Lisa Turtle also had a motivation problem, which sucked for both of us. Usually, one of us is super pumped up and supports the other to get through the exercise and it varied from day to day on which one of us was more excited.
Since we were both in a rut, we were not feeling very pumped or up to pumping each other... up.
I haven't actually been pumped in a while but fret not, that isn't the kind of pumped I'm talking about.

I don't actually think we've worked on our abs in a hot minute. I was kind of disappointed in myself because of it.

So today, after the hike, I was ready to face the universe head-on and give my decision to the universes imperative life question.

I decided I want to be a fox.
Lisa talks about how I have this natural charm, that I'm charming and I can't help it. I hope that's true.
I hope that means I'm pretty on the inside. I know I'm pretty on the outside - have you seen my eyes? Hello. Maybe I'm a bunny on the inside -- I need to be more fox-like on the inside because I'm tired of people running all over me.

Besides that, I also need to work on a few physical things (to be fox-like on the outside).

Like always, I got this. Sometimes I lose it but today, I've got it.
My motivation is back and it's overwhelming right now.
Right now, I'm so motivated, I feel like I could pick up the world and drop it on your f*cking head. Ahhh, Weezy F Baby and Eminem. :)
"My head is swoll, my confidence is up. This stage is my pedestal. I'm unstoppable -- the Incredible Hulk, you're trapped in my medicine ball. I can run circles around you so fast your f*ckin head will spin..."
It's my jam.
I'm also in the middle of writing this script about Jason Segel. The ideas I'm coming up with are hilarious and I'm really excited about it. I've got pages and pages of notes that I've taken while I'm supposed to be sleeping. I can't sleep, I just lay there and write my ideas down. I have one scene written but I think I'm going to write it out the rest in story form, but brief story form so I don't get burnt out writing the same things over and over again.
I'm pretty excited about it -- I just need to organize my thoughts.

Also, it was a victory today, when we finally confirmed 'Hot Teachers' name at the Science Fair.

I feel like everything is going to come together nicely, if I just be patient and let it.
I need to stop waiting for things to happen and MAKE them happen.
I've already started. I already KNOW this but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I lose it.
I found it and I'm motivated again. Thankfully. Happily.

Just music.

"Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over but had me believing it was always something that I'd done and I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...


But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.
And I don't even need your love but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
You didn't have to stoop so low, have your friends collect your records and then change your number.
I guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

Just sayin'

she's 'kitty' but when she's bad, I call her 'bad kitty'...

I want to be Christina Aguilera (in this outfit) for Halloween.
Finding an outfit similar to this should NOT be hard at all.
Looking good in it? That's another matter.
NOT to mention that I'm not blonde.
Of course, the blonde wouldn't be very hard to do either.
Wigs! I know the perfect place in Denton, TX to get a wig -- just don't touch them or play with them because they aren't toys. They ARE nice to look at but trust me, they are NOT toys.

I think Christina Aguilera is apropos for me as a Halloween costume because her songs are on my gym playlist and they actually motivate me.

(I don't listen to 'Beautiful' while working out though. It's too slow)

I go back to LOOKING GOOD in an outfit like this. It's MarchAPRIL(apparently it's April) and I'm already down 32lbs from last year.
I've only recently decided to start working out hardcore. It was the middle of Febuary when I started and last time I weighed myself (almost two weeks ago), I was down 8lbs -- a little over a pound a week.
And well, I didn't work out in over a week, guys. There was just so much going on and I had a sunburn from HELL. When I say, from hell, I actually mean I was so close to hell, that my skin experienced a third-degree burn. ALSO! I forgot sunscreen. 

an actual photo of my sunburn.
Don't forget sunscreen, guys.

While I feel like the blistering of my skin was a good enough reason to skip in the gym, I made it to Thursday when I couldn't take it any longer. The sweating caused my skin to blister but I'm pretty sure it blistered with sweat?? Can that happen? It was gross so it PROBABLY did.

To look good in that Christina Aguilera 'Back to Basics' Tour outfit, I'd need to work on my core and my legs. My legs are shaping up rather nicely, thanks to the high incline. They still need work but I can see a difference. Just wait and get a load of my bomb legs when all is said and done.

To burn fat, I've decided that I'm going to try to burn 1,000 calories a day on the treadmill. That would be about an hour and 10-15 minutes on the treadmill for me. I can do an hour with no problem. I want to lower that time though because 75 minutes is a long time. Of course I'll do it but I want to make better time at it. I can't run though, no thanks to my bum knee.

For my core, I'm working on planks. NOT 'planking' -- but planks.
This:

This unassuming position that requires nothing except staying positioned like this as long as you can has a lot of benefits. According to livestrong.com, it "helps strengthen midsection, upper-body and lower-body muscles along the front of your body. Planks also strengthen inner core muscles that support your joints. The rectus abdominis and transverse abdominis that form your outer and inner abdominal muscles, respectively, are primary supporters during plank exercises. The abdominal obliques also stabilize the plank position isometrically. Upper-body stabilizers include the pectoral and serratus muscles. Lower-body stabilizers include the quadriceps, sartorius and tensor fasciae latae.
Plank exercises have aesthetic benefits that can enhance your appearance by improving posture. Planks activate core muscles, including the transverse abdominis and iliopsoas, which stabilize your spine and hips. Plank exercises help prevent or reverse postural deficiencies, including lordosis and posterior pelvic tilt. Lordosis, or swayback, results from abdominal weaknesses that overextend your back; it tends to make your buttocks stick out. Posterior pelvic tilt, or flat back, results from hip flexor weaknesses and flattens the normal curvature of your spine."

(Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/500440-what-does-the-plank-exercise-benefit/#ixzz1rz1P6NID)

My personal trainer and friend, Dallas, and my bestie/workout partner, Lisa Turtle make it look SO easy. Dallas planks for a minute straight and makes it look like a breeze. It's not a breeze but today, I did it for 30 seconds - took a 15 second break and did it for another 15 seconds.

Tomorrow I'm going to do it for a whole minute.

I can also flutter kick for almost a whole minute. It's not easy either.

Flutter kicks are my arch nemesis.

From livestrong.com, "flutter kicks are exceptionally efficient at improving lower abdominal strength. One reason is because the area of the lower abdominals that flutter kicks engage is not commonly used in daily activity. One five-minute session of flutter kicks can cause soreness in someone who has never done the exercise before. According to the American College of Sports Medicine, flutter kicks also help strengthen and tone the sartorius muscles, which are
responsible for flexion and lateral rotation of the hip.
Flutter kicks are done by moving the legs and feet in a quick up and down motion, side by side. The faster you flutter, the more calories you'll burn. When you combine the tension of holding your legs off the ground with the quick movement of fluttering, you can nearly double your caloric burn. Try doing flutter kicks lying on your back and then do them on your stomach. Doing them this way can help balance your front leg and back leg muscles."
(Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/479292-what-are-the-benefits-of-the-flutter-kick-technique/#ixzz1rz2Lkzw3)

I'm working my core. Crunches, situps, side bends.
I always think, "you can side bends or situps but please don't lose that butt..."
I can thank my (ex)husband for that.

I've got about 63 lbs to go until I'm where I want to be.
I have 5.5 months until Halloween.
I might need to make a different goal for Halloween, as the math would indicate that I would need to lose almost 3 lbs (2.8 lbs, exactly) a week to make my overall goal by that time.
I think I'm going to aim for 2 lbs a week -- which would make my Halloween goal -44 lbs.

This week, I'm going to cut out sweet tea (I'm going to UNSWEETEN my tea), limit eating out to once a month (IF that), and try to eliminate dairy.
I'm already off red meat pretty much. We eat turkey and chicken primarily. I've limited the processed foods and I've switched from enriched flour products to whole wheat products. Read labels, people.

Just eating healthier.
Also, park far away wherever you go. I always feel like a super fatty if I 'grocery store' people for a parking spot. I'll just park far away. What will it kill me to walk an extra 10 feet?

I know a lot of my other friends are trying to lose weight and just BE healthier.

I really think we got this, guys. I'm optimistic.
 

two different things.

I told Constance that for her birthday, I'd be a 'yes man'. I honestly thought it would be easy -- because I thought I was pretty crazy and outgoing. I couldn't IMAGINE that there would be something she could ask me to do that I wouldn't have done anyway, had I not been a Yes Man.

After the night started, I had to be reminded plenty of times that I agreed to be a 'yes man'.
At the restaurant we went to before the partying, our waiter was sexy. I THINK his name was Blake? Bruce? I have no idea. But he was really cute. One of my friends said his butt was cute and I said that I should tell him that she said his butt was cute and to turn around so I can see. I laughed because I was joking but then someone said, 'Oh, you said you were a yes man so you have to do it." SO I did it.
Another time, they were dancing in the window at one bar and she told me to get in the window to. I kind of laughed and shook my head. Constance reminded me that I was a yes man. I got in the window and danced.
There was this huge group of men -- all of them wearing "Kyle's Party" shirts (I'm not actually sure what the shirts said) and I was asked to go pretend to be an almost-bride and get a picture with them. This was night two and we were exhausted and  not really on a partying level. I said I would do it but I needed more time. A real bridal party walked in and got pictures. We ran into them on the street and I got my picture there. I actually got my butt grabbed, kissed a guy on the cheek AND got a picture so it was win-win.

I'm sure there were more times when I was asked to do something and declined and then I HAD to do it anyway. Every time I declined to do something, I had forgot I was a yes man. None of it was too bad -- or else I wouldn't have done it.

Needless to say, Constance's birthday was pretty awesome.
She suggested we all do themes for our birthday and I agreed. Hers was '80s.
I'm still thinking about my theme. I'll keep you updated on that.

My children are having a sleepover with one of my best friends and neighbor tonight and I'm here, all alone. I keep thinking about my exhusband and how much our kids miss him.

He's exactly the kind of man that I would want to be the father of my children. He loves them. He wouldn't ever abandon them. I would like to thinkbelieve he wouldn't anyway. He loves them.

I'm having the hardest time getting over him. I thought it would be easier and for a while there, I was completely sure that I was as over it as I was going to get. I was fine and ready to move on. I feel like I had a complete and total relapse and it's like my heart is broken all over again. I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to date anyone else. I'm not talking to anybody. Even when I TRY to talk to guy, I just can't. I just can't.

I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what happened.
Every time a man looks at me, I get annoyed.
I don't know what my problem is.

I hope I figure it out soon though. All these emotions are making me emotional.

confidence is a stain they can't wipe off.

So much is happening this week, I can't even begin to detail it all.

First of all, Constance birthday party is this weekend and I cannot wait. It's yet another Austin trip. I'm looking forward to it. I'll probably blog about that.

Second of all, I got my hair cut and I am not happy about it. I only wanted it trimmed -- because the bottom was getting too heavy for my roots and so the top would get flat. The lady cut it too short though and now I hate the way it looks curly. I wanted to keep my beautiful mermaid hair and now it's very 'Izzies Got the Frizzies'... and it's NOT because of the humidity.

Third of all, I weighed myself yesterday and I'm down 6lbs since last month, about this time. I have 65 more pounds until I'm at my personal goal. I'm working hard on it.

We've been doing weights -- abs, arms, SIDES(!) and legs so I'll have the bomb-est legs in town. That's what I want -- they are already long and potentially sexy. Just gotta work that out a little -- AND I am.

Also, we've been working on our cardio. I love it because we always say we're going to go 'light' -- and then we go HARD. On Monday, I burned 642 calories on the treadmill and yesterday, I burned 822. We'll probably do some more cardio when we go later.


I had to delete some girl off my facebook because we had ONE mutual friend in common too many (my exhusband) and she tagged him in something. In my mind, she was flirting but I actually have no idea what was going on, nor did I care. He can do whatever he wants, it just doesn't need to happen in front of me. I don't flaunt my stuff in front of him.

I'm starting to feel optimistic again. I looked at myself in the mirror today and thought, "Wow, I am pretty...". That felt nice, since it's been a minute since that happened. Especially since it used to happen more than it probably should have. Lol, maybe I needed to be taken down a notch.
It's REALISM, not narcissism. :)

This is my Song of the Month:

I love the lyrics -- all of them.
"it hurts but I'll never show, this pain, you'll never know -- if only you could see just how lonely and how cold and frostbit I've become, my back's against the wall, when push comes to shove, I just stand up and scream, 'f*ck 'em all!'"...

my brief relapse.

The girls and I are in 'vacation' to Constances house and my 8 year old daughter has a 'crush' on Constance's 9 year old son.
Anyway, so I was emailing my exhusband about it -- I was just going on and on about how grown up our kids are, etc and I almost ended the email with, "I love you!" and then I stopped myself.

Then I had an overwhelming urge to cry.

It went like this:


"Weird. Hello. Ohh my! Hello... ewww..!"
Yeah. Pretty much, that's exactly my reaction -- except I was able to keep myself from having to turn off the (imaginary) camera that follows me everywhere I go.

Anyway. I'm over it now but apparently random feelings/emotions are just going to keep popping up at the most unexpected times.

I can't go home so LET'S GO HARD.

I love food.
Like, if there was a way to put a tuxedo on a chicken taco and marry it, I would -- and then at the reception (provided it hadn't gone bad from sitting out all day), I'd eat it.

Ever since I started working out, other people have started to notice that I'm actually losing weight. Go figure, right? I thought it was just my imagination but I guess not.

From everything I've been reading, it's apparent to me that going out to eat constantly and/or eating junk food is only going to hinder my weight loss so I cut that out for the most part. I don't really have a problem cutting out fast food. I really don't.
BUT if I do go out to eat, I try to pick the least bad thing for me... most of the time.
I don't drink soda because of the carbonation and sugar.
Everything I put in my mouth has value now. I think about it first because I know how hard I'm working. I know how many calories I'm burning so when I'm about to eat that slice of street pizza in Austin, I decide if it's really worth it. <-- the answer to that pizza question, at least on Friday night was YES, it WAS worth it and it tasted delicious.

Some things ARE worth it because I don't want -whatever I'm doing- to be considered a 'diet'. I just want this to be the way my life is from now on. If I WANT to eat something and I've thought about how much work I'll have to do to lose it and it's worth it to me, then I'm going to eat it.

It doesn't seem worth it to waste my eating opportunities on food that isn't good though.

Also, in my readings, I've realized the importance of food -- and eating.
I've started eating breakfast -- which was really hard for me. I hated eating breakfast because I think in the morning is too early to consume food. But I did it, I started eating breakfast.

I also try to eat smaller things throughout the day. I haven't quite managed to incorporate fruit in my life, as I'd rather eat a vegetable. I know that's weird but I'm just not into sweets (the same goes for cookies, cakes, brownies, etc.).
I was sitting here, looking through the recipes on Pinterest and I usually I think, "Ughh, I'll never get to eat anything that delicious!" but I'm starting to cook more. I'm cooking healthier and it actually tastes good. It tastes way better than going out to eat. I could go into my kitchen right now and eat something amazing AND healthy if I wanted. That makes me really happy.

Also, I go to the gym.
This past week, I went every day from Monday-Friday. I skipped Saturday and then went again today (Sunday). My endurance is getting stronger but that also means that I have to work harder.

On the treadmill, I walk on an incline -- which is like walking up a hill. When I first started, I kept the incline around 5-ish. That was the highest I could go and it would cause great discomfort.
Well, now I can walk on a 21% incline and I'm fine (if not slightly uncomfortable for a second but I push though) -- here's the difference:

Small Incline

Big Incline

I'm going to work my way up to 30% -- and that's where I'll have to stop because the treadmills at the gym don't go any higher than that. Thanks for nothing, local gyms I go to.

Tomorrow morning, I am waking up and starting at Gold's Gym with Lisa Turtle -- my own personal faux-trainer and accountability buddy.

My goals:
-- sexy whispering*
-- be healthy
-- lose 70lbs (I've already lost 30, the last time I weighed myself -- which was weeks ago)
-- hot teacher*

*these are goals with bigger explainations that I don't think everyone is ready for. :)

My thinking is, I might as well work really hard on this. Time is going to pass no matter what I'm doing. Now is the time to work on being healthy.

my kind of guy

I asked my friends, "what kind of guy do you see me with?"

My best answer I got was from Ani:
"smart, funny, tall, into comics and reading, dark hair and dark eyes, someone who is spontaneous and who loves your babies.
An intense lover, deep thinker, always grammatically correct, loves karaoke!
He may play an instrument and likes gardening.
A wonderful conversation holder where you never lose interest. someone honest. Your own superhero.
You'll probably watch Buffy reruns together."
-Sigh-
I just want to say, he doesn't ALWAYS have to be grammatically correct -- because I'm not. :D

my weird body image issues

Before I starting losing weight, I was pretty full of myself. My little sister, Michelle Tanner, has said as much. I am full of myself. Whatever. My feeling about that is, why spend any time at all feeling like I'm not good enough when I AM good enough, I AM awesome, etc.? Why waste my own time?
Before I started losing weight, I would look at myself and think, "you are so pretty...". I can't help it, that's just what I did. I talked to myself like Aibileen talks to Mae Mobley in 'The Help' (a book that I'm currently reading).
I would tell myself that I'm pretty, smart, genuinely awesome, etc.. I mean, it may have been a different kind of problem. Anyone around me could tell about my "high self-esteem" issues. Vanity, really. I love(d) myself -- probably more than most people love themselves.

I was normal though -- I had my moments when I would say/think mean things about myself. It happens to the best of us but I would quickly shut those thoughts down and attribute it to a moment of weakness. It didn't happen often.

Now that I'm actually losing weight (supposedly), I am feeling very negative about myself.
My clothes don't fit me right (they're too big) but instead of making me happy (like it should), it just upsets me. If my clothes don't fit me right, I probably look stupid -- I think.

Even though I'm actually losing pounds, for some reason, I can't wrap my head around that my clothes aren't going to fit me. I was in serious denial about it -- and still kind of am.

For example, I bought some jeans online -- I like these particular jeans because they have my inseam (you know, since I'm a giant and all)--  and I bought the size I normally wear. When I got them, they were massively too big for me. I mean, really big in the hips and thighs, legs.
I walked around the house for days -- telling everyone, "I have to send these jeans back because the company changed their sizes and didn't say anything about it anyone!" I seriously believed that until someone pointed out that I was losing weight so maybe I just didn't wear that size anymore. And even still, I only halfway believed that.

Now my shirts are getting bigger on me. I was telling my mom, "The dryer must not be drying my clothes right because they are all stretched out and big on me." and I was serious. She proceeded to make fun of me and my denial.

I can't help it though. For some reason, it's not sinking in. I'm not believing it.
How am I even losing this weight? I only changed my eating habits and started exercising more.
And the fact that my clothes are too big for me upsets me because I don't feel any smaller. I actually feel like I'm gaining weight (even though the scale says I'm definitely not).
Also, I like my clothes.
It just makes me FEEL negative when my clothes don't fit me -- it's like they're making fun of me by being too big, like they're tricking me. I know that doesn't make sense but that's how I feel.
I used to be a big girl who felt skinny and now I'm just a big girl who feels huge and I can't friggin' stop feeling that way.

My body image issues are really realy weird right now.
I don't like being this insecure. It's not a good look on me and it doesn't make me feel any better.
I may just be being cautious with myself like I am with everyone else.
Like, how can I love myself if I could change from one minute to the next? That's not constant, stability or trustworthy.
That's exactly how I feel about men though -- exactly.
I have to figure out how to love myself, even if my body isn't the same as it used to be.
I have to figure out how to love myself when I'm not constant (I was going to say "stable" but I don't need to give anyone (COUGHmy exhusbandCOUGH) fodder for jokes about my instability -- he could probably make a joke or two).

Like everything else, I got this.

"but when you go hard, your 'nay's become 'yay's..."

I may or may not have overreacted to my exhusband today. I mean, he's easy to overreact too though. It's easy to take things out on him because... well, for one thing, he's far away AND because it just is. He's an easy scapegoat. What's he doing to do? Ignore me? He's doing that now. Hopefully he knows that I was just having a moment and will be fine tomorrow.

Besides that moment of freaking out on him, we were doing fine. He trusted me enough to fill me in on different aspects of his life. I can't post about them here but trust me, I WISH I could. It's totally blog-worthy.

Hey, exhusband, if you're reading this, you should totally blog about your new life -- because it's funny.

We're friends and I love that. I missed having him in my life. It's still awkward at times but it's okay. I love that we're both adult enough to be friends. I feel so lucky that way.

Other than that, I feel like everything is working out horribly this week. There is a lot of bullshit happening in my life -- stuff that none who live in my house deserves. It's enough to make me want to burn one of my 'marshmallow fireside' candles and pray. Who am I praying to? I have no idea.

I feel like I'm losing it.
But I feel like it will get better.
I need to get a job.
I don't think I'm going to feel better until I feel productive -- and I currently don't feel productive.

I also feel like I want to move. I know it would be a bad decision to move in the middle of the school year, etc but it's just how I feel. I want to move.

I don't know what my problem is. Just about everything in my life is FINE and yet I still feel awful/unproductive/ughhh. I said on facebook, "if your life sucks, it's probably your own fault" -- I fully believe that. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to make changes -- because if I don't like it, I should change it, right??? Right.
Stop complaining and start changing.

Totally feeling it right now.

Dearest Drunk Me,

   You are complicating my life with your antics.
    First of all, I have a small amount of self-control anyway but when Drunk Me emerges, any semblance to anything that looks like self-control just flies out the window. When someone I am attracted to flirts with me, no matter the situation, I'll flirt back. I can't help that anyway. I am very flirty. You need to try harder to keep that in check. Married, Drunk John might have been correct when he was laughing at you for yelling at him about something someone else did -- it was a little out of control for a second.
     Second of all, I know letting you 'out' (AKA over-drinking) is a choice that I freely make -- obviously and since it's a choice, I can't hide behind being drunk to explain away my actions. I called my (now ex) friend a coward for not being able to express his feelings except when he's drunk. That is cowardly so I guess I'm a coward sometimes too. 
      I get it, we're hurt, me and you and we're having a difficult time of it. But you know what? I am awesome and beautiful and whatever happens is going to be okay.
      It will be okay. I promise.
      Next time you're in Austin, Drunk Me, you will NOT cry. You will NOT call any person you know from there OR text anyone who isn't there, you will not flirt like 'Drunk Me' (sloppy) but you will stay in a good spot and channel Marilyn.
     Also, don't count on 'Drunk Constance' (or Jenkins, Michelle Tanner OR Randy) to censor you because she absolutely will not. It's not her job and you can't just do things and expect people to stop you. You do them because you want to do them, and it's nobody elses responsibility to keep you in check.
     I do, however, give you permission to throw a drink on the next unavailable man (engaged, girlfriend, married) who hits on you. Apparently we're an 'Unavailable Man' magnet. It's okay to be upset about it -- just don't be upset so loud and don't take it out on every other person you meet. It's not their fault.

Love and Kisses,
Sober Me

(this may sound like I have a drinking problem. I don't -- but some things happened recently that took place while I was a touch inebriated and this blog post is a result. It's probably not the END result of all of my stupid and thoughtless actions but it is resulting of it.)

bitt GOALS: losing weight.

I keep getting my heart broken.
I have the highest walls ever -- ask Constance. That bitch is ALWAYS trying to get me to open up and let someone in but I won't. Trust me, she's gotten annoyed with me more than once.

So whenever something happens that I am not mentally or emotionally prepared for, no matter how high my walls are, it's like a tornado coming in from the top. Whoa, I didn't build a wall there.
I keep getting got hurt and it's so stupid. I was doing SO good. I was happy and optimistic.
Life is killing my optimism. I'm tired of being hurt and tricked -- especially by people who really shouldn't be hurting me, who really should just leave me alone.

Trust me, it will not happen again -- and when I say that, I generally mean it.
I hate it when I'm weak. I'm so hard on myself.
Like, I want to cry sometimes and I fight it, tell myself I'm being a weenie and to pull myself together.
Do I do it? Yes.

It sucks though because I work so hard to be so strong and I just want SOMEONE I don't have to be so strong around. I want someone who will be strong FOR me sometimes.

Anyway!
Obviously my blog title doesn't say anything about being strong and getting my heart broken.
No, my blog title is about LOSING WEIGHT.
Wooot. :-)

So this past year, I've lost 26lbs by NOT doing anything different -- except a few diet and attitude changes.

26lbs is A LOT but it's less than I want to lose.
This 'broken hearted' thing has really motivated me to want to be better.

So I'm going to start going to the gym this week and working out. I went yesterday. I was going to go today but I had an emergency with my kids and couldn't make it. I am going to take it as a challenge to see how strong my will is.

I got this, guys.
My will is so strong right now.
It's amazing what pain can do for a person.


'Rumor Has It/Someone Like You' Glee mash-up. Love.

the singing valentine telegram.

sometimes you need something to shake up your world to motivate you to be better.

I'm not okay. I'm angry. That's how I am today.

I deactivated my facebook.
I just need space.
I'll be back.

my new normal

I keep saying, "This is it, this is it. I'm pulling myself together. No more romance, no more nothing. I'm just going to focus on school and get through it as quick and steadfast as possible" and then I self-destruct.

I think where I start to have difficulty with the 'no romance' is that I was in a relationship for practically 10 years straight. Now, I see all my friends with their husbands, etc. and that's all great for them but it makes me miss being in a relationship.

I don't even know why the 'romance' factor is so important. I get enough conversation, I get enough stimuli (going out, spending time with people, having things to do), I have an over-abundance of everything except cuddling (although I know some of my friends would snuggle with me, it's not really the same...).

I'm moving past missing my exhusband. I feel myself moving on -- and I think he's continuing to move on.
I will always love him but I'm ready to move past it. I've heard nothing except that we're not getting back together (and I've also said as much) so now I'm ready to move on from the feelings I once had and into my "new normal".

One of my best friends said to me, after she lost her daughter and after my exhusband moved out, that we will be okay -- that we have to find our 'new normal' in this life that completely changed literally from one day to the next. Our lives have changed and now we have to figure out how to live it in a different way.

Our 'new normal'. I loved it. She's so insightful sometimes.

I'm so ready to move on and find my 'new normal'. I'm on this journey to GET there but I'm not there yet. Sometimes I feel stagnant.
I don't think remaining in this house was a good idea. I love the friendships I made in this little circle we live in but living here makes me feel stagnated. There are memories everywhere. They don't hurt me like they used to anymore. But still, I want to move.


I'm in school.
I should be done SOONER than later.
I need to stay focused.
What is my problem with FOCUSING anyway?
I have ADD or something. I get distracted so easily -- and bored.

I am lucky to be where I am though so I shouldn't complain.
I know what I NEED to do versus what I WANT to do.

how to get in my pants (3)

Lesson 3.1

 Wait, those aren't my pants...

Pretty much RULE #1 of getting ANYWHERE with me is not to be one of my friends cast-offs.
I am okay with buying used books on Amazon, but I am not okay with getting 'used' men from my friends.
(Theoretically) I want a brand new, still-in-the-box man -- who doesn't like that 'new car' smell? I want to be the one to open him and play with him. If one of my friends already opened him first, then I pretty much don't want him. There are no exceptions.

If you tried to hook up with one of my friends and failed, that does not mean that you should move on to me.
I am not a last resort, I am a first choice and if you didn't chose me first, that means I don't choose you at all. Just sayin'.

Lesson 3.2

Personality

Have personality. If I've met doorknobs with a better personality than you, it's time to reevaluate things in your life.
Maybe it's just me but I prefer men with personality, with passion  -- with something to make them stand out. I enjoy characters and people who are different -- and I really love a man with a good personality. A good personality can make other things (shortness, etc) not even matter to me.

If you can't even hold up your end of the conversation, I get bored.
I get bored so easily, which I know is MY problem. But since I'm not looking for anything (boyfriend or otherwise), I can afford to be picky (well, I'd be picky anyway but still).
I just would like to meet someone interesting.

I'm not asking for magic.
Magic is an illusion that will eventually cause you disappointment.
I'm just asking for interesting.

Pull it together, guys! Pull it together.

OVERVIEW

What we learned in Lesson 3:

• if you've hooked up with my friend, I'm not hooking up with you
• don't be boring.

Pretty simple, people.

hindsight and absence

My relationship with my exhusband is so complicated.

There isn't anyone else in this world that knows me like he does. He knows me so well, it makes me sick. I think I've said that before.

I'm okay with cutting all these other 'men' out of my life -- even though, in actuality, there was only one or two who I casually talked to. Nothing was serious.
I'm okay with cutting all these guys out of my life in the name of my BITT goals, in the name of my future, in the name of my success.
I've said that I have enough man-drama with my exhusband.
I think a part of me hopes that he'll fall back in love with me and we'll work it out.
I think the other part of me -- the realistic part of me -- knows that won't happen.

He says I pine over him in my blog.
It's not true.
Okay, maybe it's a little true.
I spent a lot of time growing comfortable with him. I can't help it.
I'm sentimental, a romantic, a push-over AND I forgive people way way too easily.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about love and if it exists.
Obviously I know love exists -- I love my children -- unconditionally, my family.
Obviously I mean a different kind of love.
Some have said the feelings of breathlessness or unexplainable happiness is how one can tell it exists but even in the best of situations, after a few years, those things don't happen so easily anymore. That's more like a crush and/or lust.
Romantic love is more complicated than that.
I grew so comfortable with him -- even if I did try to be a different person sometimes because I didn't trust him to be fully myself.
I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people -- and I don't do it on purpose. Not very many people have seen all the sides of me. I feel like I'm always hiding parts of myself from various people.

I think that's when I'll know if (romantic) love exists -- when I can be fully myself in front of someone and have them love me anyway. My exhusband might have loved me anyway but I didn't give him the chance.
We had a conversation the other day about how I needed something different in my life -- I needed something to break up the monotony, that's just who I am. I didn't trust him to explain those feelings to him, I didn't trust that he would take me seriously or care. I should have just been ME and saw how that worked out for me, for us.
That is partly his fault but also my fault too. I should have just told him what I needed. Then I could say, at least I told him and he failed me. He probably wouldn't have failed me though -- but I can't say anything for certain.

Is this pining? I don't think so. I think it's hindsight and absence -- my fonder heart is making my hindsight seem less like 50/50 and more like 20/40.
Maybe I am pining over him. Ha. Who knows?

Fictional Characters

My friend wanted to go out last night and I had planned on going -- but then I went to the library and got some books. I didn't want to tell my friend that I blew her off for fictional characters (sorry friend! I really can't help myself).

I will blow your ass off for a stack of books this high

I stayed up all night, reading the top book in that stack called Little Bee by Chris Cleave.

I realized, once I started reading, that Little Bee was going to be a character that stays with me.

She's a character that set up a little home inside me and that's where she'll stay.

Little Bee isn't the only fictional character I keep inside me -- nor are her words the only words that will play over in my head.

Little Bee lives next door to Francie Nolan (from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith) and her brother Neeley and their parents, Katie and Johnny.

Francie, sitting on the fire escape, eating her peppermint wafers and reading (and watching the girl across the street getting ready to go out because it's Saturday -- the day everyone gets paid) under the tree growing from the cement sidewalk stays with me. A tree that grows from the sidewalk in Brooklyn  -- the 'Tree of Heaven', the kind of tree that liked poor people.

So much of that story is inside me. Sometimes it feels like Francies stories are my memories from another life, or family stories passed down from ancestors.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like a book at all -- but like something that actually happened to someone I know.

Next door to Francie is Dolores (from She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb) -- I found that book at a yard sale for .10 cents and it was more than worth it. That book found me at a time when I really really needed it. I needed it because, at the time, I was as sad as Dolores is. I lost people like Dolores did but I didn't end up as sad as she did.

Dolores doesn't have much of a family and so she makes a family, her makeshift family. An old teacher, her neighbor, etc..

My mother had this old book -- I have no idea where she got it -- called, Bad Girls, Good Women (by Rosie Thomas) and it's so very long but I read it. I've read it more than once actually. It was the first time I encountered a gay man in literature - his name was Felix but the story isn't about him. It's about these two girls named Julie and Mattie in England. They run away from home, for different reasons and end up living with Felix and his mother. But the story is much more than that. It's their whole lives.

I have this desire to go to Italy and stay and work on a garden.  That's Julie -- she practically runs away to "Montebellate" in Italy and lives in some kind of nunnery and/or church and renovates the garden there.

The Bean Trees (Barbara Kindslover) is another one that stays with me.

Taylor from Kentucky who picks up a little (Native American) Indian baby (who she names Turtle because she's got some a tight little grasp) in the "Cherokee Nation" of Oklahoma and ends up adopting her. Taylor and Turtle and Mattie (Jesus is Lord used tires) and also LouAnn all stay with me. Mostly, Taylor though.

But it's not limited to literary characters.

'When Harry Met Sally' is a movie from 1989. It's one of my favorite movies and, like song lyrics, quotes/scenes from that movie replay in my head over and over again.

"Harry, I can't do this anymore. I am not your consolation prize."

"I will never want that wagon wheel coffee table..."

"Harry, you're going to have to try to find a way of not expressing every feeling you have every moment you have them..."

I am more 'Harry' than 'Sally' though.

Pablo Neruda reminded me of love.

I found him in a used bookstore on accident -- his cien sonatos de amor. I found love exactly when I needed to be reminded that it exists in an honest way.

"I like it when you're quiet, it's as if you weren't here now and you heard me from a distance, and my voice couldn't reach you..."

I really feel like books find you when you need them. At least that is how it happens for me.

'Little Bee' found me and I know parts of her will stay in me.

"In a few breaths' time I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile." (from 'Little Bee')

Best and Worst 2011

On our way to Austin yesterday, Constance and I started a 'Best' and 'Worst' list of 2011. Some of these are really really personal -- and for some reason ('can't really say...'), I'm not comfortable disclosing super personal details of my life. BUT I am going to TRY for this list.


Best: Meeting Constance
Worst: in January of 2011, I did some really f*cked up things to my exhusband (NONE of which I'm proud of)

Best: receiving my 'trophy' at Dads (Karaoke bar)
Worst: during Sebadoh weekend, I wandered away from my friends and ended up missing some of the best parts of their night.

Best: spending so much time with JUST me and my daughters. I like doing things alone with them. I feel like we're a little team -- and it's really really hard to become a part of our exclusive group.
Worst: my exhusband going to Korea. For me, it wasn't a worst but the night he left and how much it hurts our children, it definitely makes it a worst.

Best: all the Austin weekends
Worst: Constance moving

Best: all of our Dads (karaoke bar) quality friend time.
Worst: crying on the sidewalk in Austin

Best: visiting Constance before Thanksgiving
Worst: waking up the next morning (from the night Constance and I went out when I was visiting) and staring at the disappointed-parent faces of her 9 & 10 year old sons.

Best (because it's still in my mind): getting into the movies for free for being cute.
Worst: getting lost in the legit ghetto of Dallas trying to find the bus station.

That was just a few things I jotted down before I ran out of envelope and before we arrived at Hobby Lobby.

I'm going to follow Constance's lead and put some of my Best and Worst of 2012.
Yes, it's Day ONE of 2012 and I already have a few Best and Worst.

Best: watching Constance lick the (hot) body of a sexy stranger.
Worst: losing Jenkins at the gay bar (and finding out the next day that he had been arrested!)

Best: telling some guy it was my 23rd birthday and having him believe me without question.
Worst: that guy proceeding to mouth-rape me to make my birthday even "better" (it didn't!)

Best: my new years kiss!
Worst: not finding a cab in downtown Austin at 3am.


It's been CRAZY but I love it.
I'm exhausted and ready to sleep in my bed but I've had so much fun this Christmas break.
A gay drunk man who told me that he feels energy informed me that my 2012 is going to be awesome. 
Either way, no regrets.