The moment you realize your dreams can come true...

I've only talked about this... 'dream' a few times because once I looked up the 'requirements', I told myself I couldn't do it.
I want to join the FBI.

I feel like that's crazy.
It's a very intense process and I'll never graduate from an impressively named college (because I can't afford it, because I can't move to go to one of these colleges, because I probably wouldn't even get IN).
How would I even get accepted into it???
The physical requirements alone are overwhelming for me.
The physical requirements for the FBI are somewhat similar to an Army PT test.
The physical requirements for me for an Army PT Test would be:
at least 50 sit-ups
at least 17 push-ups
and I'd have to run TWO MILES in at least 19 minutes, 36 seconds.

The physical requirements for the FBI PT test are scored differently than the Army PT test.
You have to score at least 12 points total, with at least one point in each category.
To score ONE POINT each for the FBI test, you have to do:
at least 35 sit-ups in one minute,
at least 14 push-ups (untimed),
sprint 300-meters in at least 64.9 seconds,
and run 1.5 miles in at least 13:59.

My problem has always been the running.
I have ONE horrible knee and suffer from patellar dislocation, which is just fancy medical terminology for 'kneecap dislocation'.
My kneecap will dislocate for no reason. One time, it did it simply because I moved my body a certain direction and for some reason, my leg didn't follow and my kneecap slipped out of place.
When this happens, I have to go the ER (and get pumped full of drugs -- once they just numbed my whole leg, it was crazy) so they can pop it back into place. When I was younger, it would go by itself and it wouldn't last very long.
When it is dislocated, I can feel the muscles under my knee tighening, like it's trying to get it back into place somehow but since it's happened a lot, the bone in my knee has eroded and it won't pop back into place easily anymore.
Unless I get it fixed somehow (surgery, maybe?), it's just going to keep happening.
The last time it happened was the summer of 2010. Before that, April 2009 -- and before that, June 2002. Yeah, I went 7 years without it happening.
But before I went that 7 years, it was happening quite a lot.

Ever since I started working out, I always always wear a knee brace.
I started trying to go faster on the treadmill because I WANT to be able to run.
My knee dislocated once when I was running when I was younger and I don't think I've ran since then. This whole thing with my knee has really limited everything I do because I'm afraid my knee is going to dislocate.
When we'd go to the skating rink (when I was younger), I would never skate.
I don't know how to skate, guys. I was always so afraid of doing it because I didn't want my knee to dislocate.
It's not the only reason I got so very overweight but I do believe it's part of the reason. Because I'm so afraid of it happening, I just refrain from doing things and it's made me lazy -- and I just accepted it, for whatever reason.


the voice of hater-ism

Now that I'm going to the gym and doing sit-ups and actually moving faster on the treadmill - working my sides, crunches, etc, I realized that I can actually make this dream a reality.
I could pass the FBI physical test -- it would require a lot of work on my part, it will probably require knee surgery but I could do it. I hold no illusions that it won't be hard. My knee will probably dislocate once before it's all said and done but I'm done being afraid of it.
"Get busy living or get busy dying", right?

I was telling Constance about how I wanted to join the FBI but when I lived in NY (at least 3 years ago), I looked up the requirements and I resigned myself to the idea that I couldn't do it. I mean, there was required RUNNING and I wasn't even going to attempt to run.

Then yesterday when I was talking about, I almost started crying because of the simple realization that if I actually TRIED, I could do it. I was starting to move faster on the treadmill, I didn't want to give up anymore. I almost always feel like I could keep going, even after an hour.
I became overwhelmed with emotion because I had thought I couldn't do it. I accepted that I couldn't do it. Then epiphany that I COULD do it, that it was real - drowned me in happiness.
When I think about that girl who didn't believe in herself -- for whatever reason, I feel sorry for her. Why didn't I think I could do it?
Laziness is definitely one of the main causes. I was lazy.
Also, I'm pretty sure the ONE person who was supposed to believe in me and support me would have just laughed at me if I told him. I hate to say that about him, like I'm being malicious or something but I'm not. It's true, he probably would have laughed at me.
Now that I'm -36lbs -- and I'm not giving up to lose more, I really feel like I could do it. I can (and AM) building up to it and I'm working hard. My sweat and time is going into this -- I'll do what I have to do it to make it happen.
I wouldn't even care if I made it into the actual FBI (I mean, I DO care but you know what I mean...). If I could just pass the physical test, I'd already feel like I won something.

The physical requirement isn't even the ONLY requirement.
The hoops you have to go through to get accepted are intense but it's understandable.
We'll see how it goes.  

That moment when you realize you actually can do anything and that you actually want to work as hard as you can to achieve it, is a crazy, overwhelming feeling.

making friends at the movies

I went and saw The Avengers last night and I should have known right from the get-go that the night was going to be strange.
I was planning on leaving early because I figured there would be a lot of people there and I wanted a good seat. I told Michelle Tanner that I didn't want to leave yet because I was afraid I'd be the only one there that early.
"Well, you could call the movie theater and ask if there are people in line already," she suggested.

"That seems a bit drastic just to make sure I don't look desperate and super excited about the movie," I said. But she grabbed my phone and called anyway.

And even after all that, the guy put her on hold and never came back. She hung up and I never got the answer to my question so I decided to just go.

I got there about 10:45pm and the theater was open. I walked in and there were people already there.
My FAVORITE spot in a theater is three rows from the top, directly in the middle. It's the best spot in the whole place so I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

As I was walking into the theater, though, I thought I needed to make a game plan for coming to the movies alone.
(Game Plan: The movie was 2.5 hours long, I was there a little over an hour early. I wasn't going to eat or drink anything so I didn't have to go to the bathroom during the movie (because if I got up and the theater was packed, there was nobody would save my seat).)

Yes, my game plan was to let myself dehydrate.

I walk into the theater and it wasn't too packed at that point. I looked to my spot and there were two guys sitting there BUT the whole row on either side of them was empty. I thought, I could sit two or three seats away from Red Shirt and still have a pretty good, all-encompassing view of the movie.
I walk up there and they are both watching me. Red Shirt is staring at me before I sit down so I ask if anyone is sitting there (even though it's two or three seats away from him).

"We're saving this whole row actually," Red Shirt said.
I blinked. "For who?"
"Our friends..."
"Don't you think if they wanted a good seat, they would have came earlier?" I asked him.
"They're running late..." he said and then checked his phone, all self-important-like.
"You have this many friends?" guesturing the whole row.
"They're from our choir. It's our church friends," he told me.
"Ahhh, you had to throw God at me, didn't you?"
Red Shirt told me was just kidding, that I could sit anywhere. There was a seat between him and his friend so I asked, "even that one?" and he said, yeah, I could sit there too.
I didn't though. I stayed in my spot.
I asked them what church they went to and the other guy (Shaggy Hair) told me it was the Baptist Presbyterian church.
I asked if it was southern Baptist and he said no, it was a northern chapter.
And then he said it was all men, "it's all men but they call it the 'All Boy (Northern) Baptist Presbyterian church".
They kept trying to get me to fetch them beverages, which I wouldn't do.
I thought about why I was so adament about saying no to them -- like, I wouldn't even pretend I would go get them. I haven't come up with a definitive answer for that one yet.
I asked them their names (after they got mine AND my grandma Shirleys name).

There is ONE guy name that I told Lisa Turtle if I ever met another guy named this, I would say, "Absolutely not" and turn around and walk away. I have horrible luck with guys named this but since it's super common, I realize I'll meet a lot more of them than I should.
These guys had the same name. The same 'I have horrible luck with guys named this' name.
It's a horror movie serial killer name -- the scariest one (IMO) and no, not Chuckie.

I couldn't believe their name. It was just too much.
But I decided I COULD befriend these guys for the duration of the movie -- after all, if I needed to use the bathroom, they very well might hold my seat for me.
The thought that they might wasn't enough for me to abandon my game plan and actually get a drink though.

I asked them how old they were and they wouldn't tell me. Shaggy Hair eventually told me that he was 22 and I thought, "I should've guessed they were youngsters when they weren't getting ANY of my pop culture references..."

While I was sitting there talking to them, another guy sat down 5 seats away from me. He was wearing a hat and I didn't recognize him.
Remember in my 'How To Get In My Pants 2', when I talked about the 18 year old boys who were friends with my sister? Well, we had all stopped being friends when one of the boys kept disrespecting me in my home. It ended with me telling him off in my front yard after he stole from me and then lied about it. THEN he deleted me and blocked me on Facebook (ohh, burn. I can tell you, that hurt the worst <-- sarcasm).
So as I'm sitting there, talking to my new friends and the 'guy wearing a hat''s friends showed up. To my surprise, I actually KNEW the guy in the hat and his friends -- it was the teenage boys who used to come over to my house. I said hi to them and they smiled and said hi back -- even though the whole thing was awkward. They looked at the guys I was with -- little did they know I had just met them and then we all turned away from each other.
That was awkward.

Finally the previews started and Shaggy Hair told me to silence my phone.
I said, "my phone is ALWAYS on silent!"
And then what happens after the Men in Black 3 trailer - you know, while the green screen of silence right before the preview starts? My sister, Kelly Kapowski, calls me.
The Doug theme song fills an entire 10ft radius with it's sound.
Shaggy Hair looked at me and said, 'SILENCE YOUR PHONE!"
Great, I thought, I'm that girl.

The movie ended up being really good though -- really funny, although I knew it would be. Joss Whedon is a pretty funny guy.
Everyone was upset about Mark Ruffalo replacing Edward Norton as the Hulk but it didn't bother me. Maybe it's because it's been YEARS since I've seen The Hulk and while I love Edward Norton, I just figure he should have known how big the movie was going to be and he chose to be unavailable.
I'm loving Chris Hemsworth as Thor. He does a GREAT job -- I just saw him in Cabin in the Woods and he wasn't Thor-like at all. I love it.
I was so sleepy that the 3D was hurting my eyes and a headache was starting to form but I managed to battle through it.

After the movie was over, my new friends and I parted ways.
We didn't exchange anything. Some things are better left as they are.

It was such a random evening.