2014 Resolutions

 

My 2013 has been quite the year. 
I found out I was pregnant on January 13th, 2013 -- my grandmas birthday. 
I moved to Kansas.
I had the baby (October 2nd) and then found a job. 

Now all of the sudden, it's almost 2014. It has all happened really quick. I practically have my whole 2014 planned out too so I know THAT is going to pass quickly. I'm excited but also hope it doesn't pass as quickly as I think. 

divorce really sucks.

Divorce really sucks.

This is my first Christmas without my kids and it's hard on me. I'm having a hard time with it.
Divorce is really emotionally difficult.

My love is also divorced and every now and then I'll go look at the pictures he's still tagged in on Facebook from his wedding a few years ago. Why do I do this? I'm pretty sure I'm either a masochist or I have a mental disorder. Or both.  I know it's not healthy but I do it anyway. Some people chain smoke or emotional eat, I like to emotionally pinch myself until I bleed.

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted

 

I got a job. YAY!
It's a job at an elementary school in town. I'm an aide - which basically means I run around the school all day helping the students and the teachers with whatever they need me to do.

My schedule is like this:
5:30-6am to 7:30am: Wake up and get myself, Arry, Harriet and Noel ready to go. It's the worst part of my day (waking up before dawn). I hate the morning. It's too early. The sun isn't even up yet. It's still bedtime that early. Seriously though, 5:30am wasn't early ENOUGH on that first day.

Harriet and Noel have been getting themselves ready for a while now. Harriet most especially. She has her alarm set for 6am because that's what time she prefers to wake up on the weekday. Noel can't hardly make herself do anything to save her life. She scrambles to get ready because she procrastinates. I do the exact same thing.

Arry is only 2 months old. I have to get my breast pump (and pieces) together (because usually it's still on the drying rack from being sterilized the night before), feed Arry, make sure Noel's mess of a hair is brushed and her shoes are on, sign Harriets paper that she has me sign every morning, change Arry's diaper, get her dressed, make sure her pumped milk (for the day) and bottles are in her bag -- make sure I have my name badge and my coat.... and IF I have time after that, I might get to grab something to eat for breakfast. Maybe.
7:30am-8:00am: take kids to school, bring Arry to my sisters, go to work.
8am-11:45am: work.
11:45am-12:15pm: grab lunch and try to get back to the room I pump in as quickly as possible. I try to set up my breast pump earlier so I don't have to waste time doing that. I pump breast milk and eat and check my phone -- at the same time. Queen of the multitask, I am.
12:15-3:40: Work some more.

When I go home, the first thing I do is feed Arry and pump on the other side. I feel like my whole life revolves around my pumping schedule. But I really determined to make this pumping thing work. It's a top priority for me.
There's dinner, and by then, I've been ready to fall asleep but hopefully it gets better the more we get used to it.
In January I'm going to be attending college online full-time. Once I finish this semester, I'll have ONE class -- a speech class -- to take in June and I'll be FINISHED with my Associates degree. It's real. It's happening. I'm almost finished, I can taste it.
So I'll have a job where I work roughly 35 hours a week, I'll be breastfeeding/pumping full-time, maintaining a relationship with my love, and trying to be the best, most 'involved' mother I can be and going to college full-time.
Because I'm AWESOME.
Silly.
and Exhausted.
But it's all worth it. At least I'm doing something and I like that. I hated staying home and now I'm getting it done.

I just loved this and thought everyone needed to see it.

my ferocious tenacity

fe·ro·cious 

 (of a conflict) characterized by or involving aggression, bitterness, and determination.

te·nac·i·ty

 the quality or fact of being very determined; determination.

     I'm overwhelming myself with positive thoughts. I never thought that I was determined - or even strong. I guess I knew I was strong but I never really thought about it. I try not to be negative. I try not to think ugly thoughts. I try to just let go of things, forgive myself for the things I've done and try to do better - and move on. Sometimes it's easier said than done.

     I moved to Kansas and I'm trying to find a job now. Being a SAHM for 6 years, a half finished Associates degree, and no job was pretty much all I had going for me. I had no idea what I was going to do. It was very stressful for me; especially when I was pregnant. Every bad thing was magnified by 50% and I cried a lot. I don't usually cry (unless I'm drinking in Austin and that's only when things are really bad) so even crying like that depressed me.

    One thing that depressed me: I honestly believed that I wasn't ever going to finish my degree. I dwelled on it. But geez, it's an Associates degree - not a Masters. I pulled myself together and I'll be finished with my Associates by the summer 2014. That's insane to me that I'm actually almost finished. It also makes me feel ridiculously hopeful.

     Finding a job has also been very stressful. I've gone on a ton of interviews (tomorrow it will be 10 interviews in 5 weeks) and the rejection afterwards is starting to sting more and more. I'm trying to make myself numb to it but my stupid positive thinking keeps that from happening. I care too much. I've applied for so many jobs -- and I actually want these jobs so it's disappointing when I don't get one of them. I'm becoming more and more bold about asking people if they're hiring though. My initiative is out of control. I asked the lady at the library while I was making copies if she knew of anywhere that was hiring and she said the library was so I applied. I've asked a lot of places and I've applied a lot of places. All I know is that I'm getting a job. I can't NOT get a job. That would unthinkable because I'm trying so hard.
     On a completely random note: This struggle of not getting hired and knowing how hard I'm trying really makes me angry with people who tell people on welfare to just "go get a job" like it's the easiest thing in the world - like McDonalds is always hiring and hires anyone (never mind the fact that most people on welfare HAVE jobs). It's not easy to find jobs. I can attest to the fact that you can work your butt off to find a job and still not get hired. If someone told me that I wasn't trying hard enough, I'd have to hold myself back from socking them in the face.

      Anyway! My own resilience and determination surprises me and impresses me. I impress myself. How conceited is that? Oh well.

     All I know is that in my life I want more than to settle. My BITT goals are still truer than ever (just change "move to Austin" to "move somewhere where I'm happy" and "Marry Jake Gyllenhaal/Jason Segel" to "Marry my Babe". I'll have my Bachelors degree the Spring semester after I turn 30 -- so I'll be closer to 31. -SIGH- better late than never, I guess. That's what I get for procrastinating.

     It's hard being resiliant/tenacious/strong. I don't like it. I'd rather just give up sometimes but then I can't. I legitimately can't. The only person stopping me is me -- that sucks because that means I have nobody to blame but myself if I don't get the things I want from life. That sucks too. I'd much rather blame my mom for the things she didn't do, or blame my dad for never being there. The fact of the matter is though it would be my own fault.
          I finally let myself be depressed about all the rejection though. It was starting to build up and I was getting angry at everyone. So I gave myself a day -- it was Tuesday (yesterday). I cried, I was angry, and I felt defeated. By the time I woke up this morning though, I felt so much better and ready to figure out where my interviews are going wrong.
     I have two job interviews tomorrow. One is actually for a temp agency so I might actually GET a job tomorrow. *fingers crossed*
     Never give up. Never give up. Never give up.