Dear David Duchovny,

     Sitting on my couch watching an X-Files marathon, munching on my 1oz bowl of Brach's Hawaiian Punch flavored jellybeans and cuddled up with the homemade river quilt my grandma made, I've come to the conclusion that you are a very sexy man and we should meet forthwith. I've known about your undeniable sexiness for a while -- and it could be my loneliness overshadowing any sense of good judgement I may have but for some reason, I am finding you very attractive tonight. So much so that I am skipping any episode that is Scully-based and which you do not appear. I'm sure they are excellent episodes and Gillian Anderson is so beautiful, it's ridiculous but let's face it, not really why I'm watchin' the show.

      I've also been watching Californication so I know I'm not just attracted to the character of "Fox Mulder" -- although his passion for his job is an attractive quality for a man to have -- a quality I hope my NEXT husband has. The character of "Hank" on Californication is OKAY but he's not Fox Mulder. Regardless, there is a lot of sex on that show and I think you're doing it on purpose -- to tease me. I'm 99% sure that's exactly what is going on -- you're teasing ME personally.

     Please don't mistake this public love declaration for anything more than what it is. I fully intend on continuing on to marry my betrothed, Jake Gyllenhaal on or around my 30th birthday in four years so please don't make a scene by begging me to be with you. BUT I'm pretty sure if I ever saw you, Marilyn would come out in full force and you wouldn't even know what to do with yourself, you'd be so smitten. On my Notarized Celebrity Sex List (yes, it's really notarized), you are on there so you can tell I really mean what I say. This document is legally binding so that any fornication between the two of us is acceptable (even though we're both married). In fact, I'm not sure that it's not mandatory at this point since I went out of my way (through THREE different lists before ending with the one with your name on it -- some quality men were bumped off this list to include you) to get it notarized. Feel special, as future husband, Jake Gyllenhaal is NOT on my notarized list.
     X-Files is calling my name so I must end this letter to you now. I hope to run into you soon, David Duchovny (although I'm sure if I actually did meet you, I would become someone other than Jackie OR Marilyn --It would be more Violet Anne Bickerstaff than anything).
Good luck with everything... you know what I mean.

Sincerely Yours (until Jake and I become engaged),

Shark Attack