you don't have to go fast, you just have to go.

I forgot my BITT goals. I'm not even going to front right now and pretend like I didn't.
I almost couldn't even help it and it was at that point that I realize it's going to be a BATTLE for me not to include 'romance' in my life. It's not apart of my goals.

I feel like it's mandatory we should go over my Before I Turn THIRTY Goals again:

• get my Bachelors Degree in public relations. That is what I've decided and it's going to happen. It really is a dream of mine for my family to see me graduate from college. It might sound silly but that's just how I feel. I am excited about it though.
• move to Austin -- that actually doesn't even have to happen. Can I exchange that one for something else?! I'm going to exchange that to "Move somewhere that I can find peace."
• Get a Honda Civic. I'm not worried about that one right now.
• Lose weight. Working on it slowly but surely.
• Find and marry Jake Gyllenhaal. Since I'm making changes to my goals, though, I would like to change 'Jake Gyllenhaal' to 'Jason Segel'.

My reasons for such a change? I'm glad you asked.
Jake isn't tall enough and also, he's very outdoorsy. Like, he likes to hike and bike, etc. I don't mind doing those things occasionally but I'm not trying to make them hobbies. I feel like he would also intimidate me. However, Jason Segel IS tall enough, he's really funny -- and SO creative. He isn't traditionally 'sexy' (like Jake) but he's very very sexy to me (and to many other women). He can rock the man-scarf like no other man in this world and once Constance and I start writing our TV Show (for Showtime -- or, at least, cable!), I figure that will be my 'IN' to meet him. Either way, I'm not working as hard at the tv show as I should be (since it's my 'in', after all) but I've started it. Jake or Jason, it's safe to say that I definitely have NOT made any head-way on that situation either.

(and for some reason, I felt my spiel about Jason Segel not only warranted an update to my blog but it also went off in a direction (and feel) that the rest of the post doesn't go and I'm just going to allow it...)

The 'I need to get out of this closed box so I don't suffocate to death and anything extraneous will just get in the way' list:

• romance.
• men.
• boys.
• sex.
• love.
• texting.
• dating.

I'm avoiding all of that stuff. Agreed? Agreed.
Unless and of course, if I'm romancing, texting, sexing, dating and loving Jason Segel -- my only exception.

 Anyway.
I made myself sad last night, and then again today. I went to the store to buy a book last night. I spotted my next big purchase, Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy. I picked it up and rubbed it against my face (okay, no, not really) and read the back. I was so excited.
Then I remembered the 20/20 Special that played some of the clips from the audio and I sat it back on the shelf. I can't even listen to her talk about him -- it breaks my heart. It really, truly breaks my heart and I cry. I can't imagine loving someone and losing them that way, watching them die. Sitting there, watching. How awful and heartbreaking.

Today, I was thinking about how I want that kind of love though. Not the tragic kind but the way she speaks about him -- if you've heard it, you know. I know it was only 4 months after he was assassinated but I believe her words, I believe how she felt. Loving someone like that makes a person so vulnerable.
I thought, "I can never love anyone like that because once I do, they will hurt me. I can't be hurt again. I just can't..."

My walls get higher.


And you know, even with all that, it's still going to be a battle for me -- even though it makes me feel stupid and I hate it, even though I don't believe in 'soulmates', even though I don't believe in the kind of love I would want, it's going to be a battle because I so very much want it to happen.
I know it's the romantic in me. Trust me, I hate it.

I have to find it in myself, like I already said. I have to find it with other people, in different ways.
I have to work towards my REAL goals and let life figure out that part for me because I can't.
I have my besties, my friends, my family, my girls and I also have a little magic so really, I'm good.

it's time to shake the world