which is worse, danger or the fear of danger...

I'm described as strong. I don't feel strong. When my friends are wallowing, I don't know how to help them gather strength, since I don't know where mine comes from. I'm remiss right now to even SAY that I don't know where mine comes from because, again, I don't feel like I am full of strength. I feel like a fraud, a lie. The only thing I do -- the only thing I know how to do -- is keep moving forward, to pull myself together (ignore the haters) and just keep on keepin' on. Is that strength?



One thing that helps, I guess, is that I always try to look at everyone elses situation and put myself in their place. How would I feel? What would I do?
One of my closest friends has lost her daughter. She doesn't cry every day. She doesn't stay in bed, drugged up (like how I imagine I would have to be). No, she makes herself get up and live life the best way she can -- even if she does have her moments. She DOES have moments -- which is to be more than expected. But my point is that her strength inspires me. She gets up -- she pulls herself together and gets her business done. The pain I have can't feel as bad as hers -- since I'm sure she feels hers ALL THE TIME and I just have my moments.

Another thing I love about her -- she never acts like her pain is greater or worse than anyone elses. I am comfortable to express my feelings to her because I KNOW she won't say or think, "quit complaining. My pain is worse!" -- which is how I imagine a lot of people would feel. Her attitude is "pain is pain." And she knows (and I know) it's not even comparable. This is another reason why she inspires me -- she is there for me and listens, even though she's going through this huge pain and she offers advice.

My middle sister, Kelly Kapowski (yep, that's her code name) also was full of very sound advice and support for me the other day. I had a 36 hours period of  impromptu crying/borderline panic attacks that I could not get to STOP. I don't know what it was (even though she's usually full of advice and reason so it wasn't unusual) but she just made me feel so much better. Her words were helpful, even though the jist of it was, "you will be okay."

I'm very scared about this future without my husband. I never wanted to be a single mother -- and now he's leaving the country for a year. Stupid me, I should have realized that while he's in the military, we might not ever see him -- especially if we don't live together. This future without him, this future of me doing things alone scares me. It overwhelmes me. One day at a time, though, is how I'm taking it and I can't let the fact that I'm scared(/overwhelmed/depressed) of something stop me.

‎"Fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient to keep them ashore. They leave that philosophy to those who like it. Let the storm rise, the night descend - which is worse, danger or the fear of danger? Personally, I prefer reality, the danger itself."  -- Vincent van Gogh ♥♥