how to get in my pants

AKA "The Keys to My Vagina"

Lesson ONE

"Stalking is not love"

      I made a statement at one point on my blog about how I miss men. It's a true statement -- NO, I don't need to be lectured about my BITT goals again. But I decided to try to see what was out there -- just for the fun of it.
      I know enough about myself to know that I have a type: tall, SMART (preferably smarter than me), funny/witty, and kind of nerdy. I don't mean a socially awkward nerd like my astronomy teacher. You have no idea how hard it is to find this specific type of guy.

     Still yet, I put myself out there and here is what I know:

If you try to show up at places you know I will be with my friends, I get super uncomfortable and start to feel smothered. I don't like to feel like I'm moving on a fast track to a relationship. I'm not ready for a boyfriend, I'm not trying to force anything and I definitely don't want some guy who is WAY too into me for his own good around me when I'm out. I've noticed how jealous some guys can be -- it's unattractive and it's a red flag for me. If your jealously comes out before we've even kissed, then I don't even want to see you again. It weirds me out.  

If you text me more than 6 times in an hour because I'm not responding to you, you are exposing your crazy and it needs to be in check. If I don't respond to your, "Hey.", "Hey, wut u doin", "this is how it's gonna be??" -- then yes, that is probably how it's going to be. And that most unequivocally does NOT mean the next step in regaining my attention is sending me a photograph of your dick. Just sayin'.

If you then begin to CALL because I'm not answering my texts, I'm over it altogether and will not talk to you again. If the photograph of your dick didn't already send me into researching whether or not my wireless carrier allows other phone numbers to be blocked, calling me surely will.

Don't text/call the next day and act like you didn't blow up my phone. That's almost worse than the actual blowing up of my phone. It's weird to pretend that you were not creepy-as-hell as the day before. It's just weird. Weird -- and scary-creepy. How hard is it to be normal, guys? Really.

      If I am texting a guy and he doesn't text me back, I do not just continue on texting him. It's CRAZY behavior to try to continue on with a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you. If someone doesn't want to talk to you, then that's it. And it's fine. I always say to myself, if he doesn't realize how awesome I am, then we're better off not even talking.
       It might sound egotistical, it might sound narcissistic but I can't help it. I don't see the point in pretending I'm less than awesome -- or even allowing feeling of non-awesomeness to overpower my rational, positive thoughts. It's a blow to my ego but it's not the end of the world. I'm learning to handle rejection a healthy way. And sometimes the rejection really hurts but I'm learning to put that "rejection" pain into perspective. But this is something else entirely.

Lesson 1.5
      I've also realized that I'm more likely be attracted to someone who speaks English (as in, not txt spk) in their texts to me. I don't even KNOW a lot of the text slang, besides "omg", "lol" (and any variation thereof), "idk" -- I DO know that "probably" isn't spelled "prolly" and that "Z" is not an acceptable substitute for the letter "S". If he knows the difference between your and you're, then I'm crazy attracted. Don't even get me started on Their, They're, and There.
      Even in texting, though, I might give a pardon because it's TEXTING. I shorten words sometimes so I don't have to send two texts or whatever other reason but if we're chatting on facebook and you're in front of a keyboard and you still message like you didn't pass 5th grade grammar, I will probably stop talking to you. I'm not super picky, I know some words are accidentally misspelled. I realize that people are human. I will recognize an EFFORT to be grammatically correct. If it's obviously not an important issue for you, then I can't help you.

     So to RECAP,
            lesson one taught us:

• give me space

• don't crowd me

• DON'T even waste your time with me if I don't seem interested because I will probably never be interested if I'm not right away.

• do not send me unsolicited pictures of your penis

• spelling and grammar wins bonus points